


It's not about what I want

by Wr1tingpundamentals



Series: Post Season 5 [1]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Adora Needs a Hug, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends Squad, Canon Continuation, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Group Therapy, Hurt/Comfort, Noelle's scars on Adora, Panic Attacks, Season 5 Spoilers, adora has a lot of issues to address and we're gonna do our best here, everyone needs some healing, self sacrificial tendencies addressed, shadow weaver a+ parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:01:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24284782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wr1tingpundamentals/pseuds/Wr1tingpundamentals
Summary: The completed best friends squad addresses Adora's tendencies toward self sacrifice after the war.
Relationships: Catra/Adora, Glimbow - Relationship, Glimmer/Bow, catradora - Relationship
Series: Post Season 5 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2136834
Comments: 91
Kudos: 506





	1. Concern

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first genuine attempt at a fic. I loved season 5 and the finale, but I think there were a couple points in Adora's character arc that could stand to be further addressed so I'm going to attempt to do that here. This will be a multi-part fic.
> 
> Note from 2021 for anyone newly reading. This fic is still active and a large part of the hiatus has been straight up anxiety about these first few chapters because exposition is not my strong suit. As much as I don't like leaving it, if I ever want to finish this story I'm going to have to leave these first chapters unedited for now. If you want to skip to chapter 3 there should be enough context clues there for a jump-in point.

“You coming?” Catra looked back over her shoulder, offering her hand with a smile so open and kind it took Adora’s breath away. She knew they were about to enter the impromptu party thrown after the defeat of Horde Prime, but for just a moment she was back in the simulation. Adora felt a flash of fear grip her spine that all this would disappear as soon as she reached out. The alternative though, that this is real and Catra would hold her hand this time, was all she’d ever wanted. Steeling herself with a breath, Adora closed her eyes and reached her hand out, breathing a small sigh of relief when the hand she met was warm and real and instantly held her own with a firm grip. 

Adora’s grey eyes flicked from their now joined hands to meet Catra’s blue and gold. With the certainty of her touch Adora could feel the love struck smile spreading quickly, but something about the interaction must have tipped Catra off. Catra’s head tilted to the side as her eyebrows came together and she stepped closer into Adora’s space. “Adora? What’s up?” Catra’s free hand came up to cup her cheek, her fingers extending along Adora’s temple. “Please don’t be brain damaged.” While she’d meant them as a joke, and garnished them with a smirk and a wink, the words lacked all of their usual mocking tone and were so full of tenderness that all Adora could do was lean into her palm with a smile.

“No, no. Not brain damaged. I just still can’t quite believe it. You’re here. This is real. We did it.” Adora leaned forward until her forehead settled against Catra’s pulling a light purr from the other. “I’m with you and I’m- I’m happy.” Adora chuckled and shrugged as if it were the simplest concept in the world and not an Etheria shattering revelation. Adora looked up in to the eyes that held her world and saw them misting over, framed by a vibrant blush. 

Catra cleared her throat and allowed the blush to settle before speaking. “You’re here. I’m here. You’re still a nerd and I’m still cool.” Adora tsked with a playful eyebrow at Catra’s deflection from vulnerability. With a quick flick of her tail against Adora’s side and a flashed, mischievous smile, Catra initiated a challenge, “ready to go show these Princesses how it’s done?” 

“Oh you know it!” Adora couldn’t resist the competitive goading and the two practically sprinted onto the dance floor where Mermista’s music drummed out a steady tempo. Catra spent the next hour fighting Adora for the lead as the two spun each other around, their grins as wild as their moves. They knew would have lots to talk about soon, but for now, they basked in well-earned joy. 

* * * *

Bow and Glimmer sat hand in hand on a railing outside the festivities. With the defeat of Horde Prime an impromptu celebration had taken place that same evening and it seemed as if the entirety of Etheria had shown up to celebrate. After a night full of dancing, tearful hugs with the newly returned princesses, and swapped stories each growing more exaggerated as the night wore on, the two were content to watch from the distance of their own little world. Glimmer swiped her thumb carefully across the back of Bow’s hand, grabbing his attention from where he’d been watching Adora and Catra dance, similarly wrapped up in each other. His peaceful smile faded as he caught Glimmer’s look of worry and something a bit darker. “What’s wrong?” he asked, reaching up to move a bit of her hair and soothe the troubled wrinkle in her brow. “Are you ready to head out?” 

Glimmer shook her head, her expression turned thoughtful as she glanced between Adora and Bow a few times before replying. “Do you remember when we were taking Adora to the heart?” Bow gave a slow, apprehensive nod. “I’m remembering what Adora said when she touched the sword and left us. She spoke to us as if she was certain she was going to die. She said the palace was responding to her memories, that the obstacles it was creating were coming from her. I know we won today, but I’m worried about where Adora’s at.”

Bow’s eyes widened as he listened and matched what Glimmer said with his own memories.

“When I broke the sword I thought I could make my own destiny.” Adora spoke with conviction and bitterness as she continued, “But I can’t, it was always going to end like this.” Bow remembered Glimmer asking what Adora meant by end, the fear and horror that had crept into her voice. Without really answering Adora continued, “I’m losing her. I’m distracted and confused, and I’m scared. And I can’t be any of those things if this is going to work. I need to go the rest of the way by myself.” Bow had spoken up next, trying to remind her that they were there for her, but she’d cut him off both verbally and with more thorns. “I love you guys so much. I never could have done any of this without you. Thank you for being the best friends anyone could ask for.” She’d vanished with a touch to the sword as Glimmer had called out for her before either of them could do anything to stop her. Adora never saw them collapse together or the tears they let fall as they realized what Adora intended. 

Seeing where Glimmer was leading Bow nodded solemnly. “Before we got you back, before Adora figured out how to access She-ra without the sword, she was charging into battles and situations without much regard for her safety. As if it didn’t matter to us what happened to her, no matter how often we tried to remind her that she might get hurt now…” Bow trailed off for a moment to look over at Adora with Glimmer, the same analytic concern crossing his features, the same subtle lean in to each other mirrored between them. “All she could focus on was our safety and the absence of her abilities. She seemed to settle down a bit once I forced her to sleep, but we pretty much immediately got on the ship to go after you when she woke up. I… I don’t actually know how she would have handled it if we’d stayed on the planet longer.”

Glimmer sighed and slid her free hand up to Bow’s chin, gently turning him to face her with possibly more gentleness than either of them realized she was capable of. “Guess we should talk to Catra tomorrow and get ready for a Best Friends Squad meeting. Let them have their night though. Nothing’s going to happen and Etheria knows we’ve all earned it. I’m glad we’re on the same page. I’m glad you’re here with me.” Glimmer leaned their foreheads together with her hands on either side of Bows cheeks, his smile pushing against her palms and mirrored across her own lips. They took a breath together before Bow leaned in to kiss her.

“Ugh! Get a room!” Catra playfully called as she and Adora passed by, arm in arm. Glimmer tossed a couple sparkles, artfully flicked from her middle finger, to try and hit Catra without looking or breaking from the kiss. Catra yelped and sneezed prompting Adora to giggle and pull her further onto the dance floor with minimal humored grumbling from Catra. Glimmer smiled into the kiss, content with every aspect of her life, confident in Catra’s ability to keep Adora out of trouble at least for the night. Her chest felt warm with the amount of love that surrounded them in that moment and she was certain she was probably glowing a little. 

* * * *

The next day the four friends met up around lunch time in the cafeteria. The group bounced around teasing each other’s newly formed couples statuses with the main culprits being Catra and Glimmer as Bow and Adora tried to reign them in. Somewhere between Glimmer’s last quip of “at least we didn’t spend the entire space trip obliviously pining” and Catra’s reply of “yeah, like outright pining is any better,” Adora realized she was out of food. She picked up her tray and indicated she was going to grab more, turning back to the buffet. As Catra stood to follow her she felt a hand wrap around her wrist and tug her back to her seat. “Sparkles, what the h-“  
“We need to talk to you about Adora, alone, at some point.” Glimmer whispered as Adora walked away. 

Catra rolled her eyes and smirked, “if you’re gonna give me the shovel talk you’re going to have to work on your intimidation.” Catra waved her fingers in a sarcastic sparkle and Glimmer was tempted to teleport a couple times while she still had hold of the cat. Narrowing her eyes, she took a deep breath before releasing her wrist and putting on a serious face.

“I mean yeah, you’re absolutely getting that talk-”

“Feeling’s mutual” Catra cut in with a playful smile.

“But this is about Adora’s self-sacrificing tendencies.” 

At that Catra paused, her smile fading on an exhale. Her eyes locked on Glimmer as her ears went back and her shoulders rose to meet them. Anyone behind her would have also seen her tail puff out a bit. After one more startled breath Catra looked over her shoulder to see Adora loading up her plate at the buffet, her tail fell limp and her shoulders dropped back down before she turned back to Glimmer and Bow, glancing between the two. “How do you want to do this?”  
Bow spoke up, “we were thinking of sending She-Ra out to check on the overall state of Brightmoon and the whispering woods from Swift Wind. He can carry more than one person, but not easily on a flight that long and we don’t technically have any faster way of checking on our known land-marks. She should only be gone an hour or so, but that should be enough time.” Bow finished quickly as Adora approached from behind Catra.

Catra nodded just as Adora sat down with her plate, glancing between the three. “What’d I miss?” she asked while dipping her bread into the soup she’d gotten. 

“Sparkles has a job for you after this and I’ve got to check in with the commander of the guard or something so no one thinks I’m not supposed to be here anymore.” Catra stuck her tongue out and Adora winced remembering the incidents with Frosta, Perfuma, Netossa, and a handful of the guards within the last couple days. “Should only be an hour or so and then we get the day back, right?” 

Glimmer nodded, grateful for the cover story and realizing that their time had been shortened since they really should actually check Catra in. “The day is yours after. We just don’t have anything faster than Swift Wind or more reliable than She-Ra at spotting trouble and we need to know where to start building relief centers tomorrow.” 

Adora somehow managed to both puff up at having a job to do while deflating a bit at the reminder of how much damage this war had caused and the weight it put upon her, causing Catra and Glimmer to share a slight wince. They were definitely having this conversation. “Got it, I’ll go right after this.” Turning to Catra she asked quietly, her expression open and loving, “do you want to come with me or I can wait for you with the guards if you want?”

Well that was new. Catra flushed a bit at the offer, pleasantly surprised to have been considered as part of Adora’s priorities. Not above duty, but at least worth including. With a fond smile and a regretful shake of her head she replied, “No, thank you. I don’t think I’m up for flying today.” That much was true. Between the many teleports, the mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion the last few days had caused, and the near death experiences she didn’t think she could stomach flying even if she had the time to. Adora nodded accepting her choice and kissed her forehead sending an obvious thrill of love and joy through Catra. As the four stood up to leave Catra and Adora shared a quick hug and a “come back quickly,” “always if you’re here,” “nerd,” “your nerd.” Adora waved enthusiastically as she ran off to the stables and Catra looked fondly after her before turning around to the other pair, suddenly all business. “Let’s do this.”


	2. Same Page

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra, Bow, and Glimmer discuss Adora's tendencies and attempt to understand her better through all of their eyes.

Leaving the cafeteria tent the trio set off to find the guard commander as Adora flew off on Swift Wind. Catra’s tail and ears flicked and swiveled in anticipation and Bow kept checking various gadgets he had on him while Glimmer stalked ahead, determined to complete their task. Within a couple strides of the tent Melog sidled up in step with Catra, mane and tail clearly agitated though still blue. After a quick conversation with the commander of the guard the group was free to find a secluded section of the camp. They sat under a tree, Glimmer leaning gently against Bow, Catra across from them with Melog along her side and the tree to her back. Combing her fingers through Melog’s mane and her own shorter one Catra was the first to speak, “where do we even start with this? There’s so much I don’t know about who she’s been. Even from the few weeks I’ve been on your side and from the way we used to fight I can tell it’s gotten worse from when we were growing up.” Catra hummed and her brow furrowed as a thought occurred to her, “when I caught up with you at the Heart you said Adora left you to go on alone. How did that happen?” There was an edge to her voice, but no blame. 

Glimmer looked down and away angrily and Bow sighed before responding, “we were actually just talking about that last night. The castle kept shifting around us with Adora’s memories. When we found her after she’d run off again we were in the Whispering Woods where she’d found the sword. She was saying that she was meant to do this alone and big thorny vines grew out of the floor caging us away from her. We tried to reach her or get her to listen but she just – she said her goodbyes as if she was going to die and touched the sword and disappeared.”

A heavy beat passed as he finished. Bow’s voice had started to grow teary and cracked softly as he finished so that when Glimmer burst into the silence with fire it startled the group, “it was as if she was choosing to die! We weren’t allowed to do anything to help!” Gesturing wildly at a rock she seemed determined to glare a hole in she continued, mimicking Adora’s voice, “I’m distracted and confused, and I’m scared. And I can’t be any of those things if this is going to work. I need to go the rest of the way by myself,” cutting out of the quote with an exasperated growl she continued, “she wouldn’t listen to us! She said it was always supposed to end like this and tried to give us parting words as if that would make it okay that she was leaving us behind to go sacrifice herself alone! After everything we’d been through together…” trailing off Glimmer finally broke her furious eye contact with the ground to reveal tears welling and caught a look of deep understanding from Catra. “I couldn’t even teleport after her, we had no idea where she’d disappeared to, we had no option to try to go with her.” 

Bow spoke gently, trailing a hand along Glimmer’s back as she sunk her face into her knees, “I know she was trying to protect us. She’s always been trying to protect us. I actually can’t think of a single time she let us protect her other than working as a team in battle and even then she would charge off as She-Ra most of the time. Even when she broke the sword and couldn’t transform she was charging into battles and getting knocked around as if her safety didn’t matter. It sometimes looked like she wanted to die.” Bow shook his head, “I can’t believe we didn’t catch it sooner. Was she always like this?” 

Sensing an impending backstory reveal, Catra set to grounding herself before responding, playing with Melog’s ears from where the comforting weight of its head lay in her lap. “Yes. Sh-“ Catra cleared her throat and squared her chin, bitterness creeping in to every Horde and destiny related word she spoke, “Shadow Weaver made sure of it. Adora was supposed to be the chosen Force Captain who would help run the Horde someday. She made Adora responsible for every member of our squad.” Catra paused to deliberate on how much she wanted to disclose. Glancing tentatively up from where she’d been safely reciting the words to Melog she found Glimmer and Bow listening intently, no pity clear on their faces, yet. Her expression hardened before she continued, daring that status to change, “She threatened to dispose of me if Adora didn’t keep me in line and that was the lighter end of the things Adora was responsible for. After a while death threats in the Horde are kind of just a Tuesday, but that first one sure made an impression on us.” Catra shrugged attempting a humorless laugh. 

“Adora was only considered a good soldier if she did exactly what Shadow Weaver asked, believed everything she said, kept the rest of us in line. Anytime she failed she would be punished. Often she’d be punished if any of us failed too. I don’t think she was shocked often like I was, but when we hit 10 or so her response to every little failure was just panic whispering ‘worthless’ until she got it right or yelling the rules at us if someone was struggling.” She fought off an eyeroll at the annoyance of the memory before the weight of what she was saying hit her. Eyes widening, ears folding back, and shoulders hunching up Catra was suddenly hit with guilt. While she knew these things, had witnessed and grown up with them, it felt entirely different to say them out loud, older, and away from the Horde, let alone to people who grew up in a castle as princess and princess adjacent. Thankfully, Bow and Glimmer had spent enough time with her on the ship to read that she had more to add on, though Catra could see Glimmer was about ready to fly apart. 

“I know, Sparkles, hold on.” Catra took a breath and continued. “Adora grew up shouldering the weight of everyone around her’s punishment. It was always Adora the perfect soldier, never Adora the person. She was completely devoted to the Horde and the idea that everything that happened to us was to make us better, stronger soldiers. She- she didn’t realize we were evil. Everything we went through was just… normal. She stood between me and Shadow Weaver a few times when we were younger, but the longer everything went on, the more that was all we’d known, the less control we had to ask for anything better for each other.” 

Catra’s ears perked up a bit as memories of truly young Catra and Adora flooded her mind’s eye. “And before all that she was also just… nice. Selfless. Growing up in the Horde you only have the people around you, it didn’t matter what they’d do to us,” the words parodying her childhood promise came out slowly, dipped in the new bittersweet flavor of context and understanding, “you find someone and you look out for each other. We were her friends and squadmates, but we were also her duty to protect. It was never about her.” Catra finished her thought, almost speaking to herself at this point as the horror of their childhood took on a new lens of empathy.

Stunned silence followed for only a moment as Glimmer and Bow processed the information. Glimmer spoke first, “when Shadow Weaver found us at Mystacor Adora was terrified. When she found us again in Brightmoon I heard Adora breaking through a lot of that. She stood up to Shadow Weaver and told her to stop lying and manipulating. I was there for it but I didn’t realize how good she is at twisting people. I didn’t realize how bad it had been, for both of you.” Catra bristled, not wanting to be pitied, but only found a look of personal anguish from Glimmer. “And I chose Shadow Weaver over her! I listened to her about the Heart and about using She-Ra as bait and let her roam the castle! No wonder Adora was so upset with me, I wasn’t listening to any of her warnings. Or yours.” She added, turning to Bow who nodded to acknowledge her. 

“She’s been a master of manipulation our whole lives. It’s not surprising she would have gotten to you too.” Catra’s tone switched from gentle to mocking, “That whole ‘oh Adora you’re the strongest among us and the only one who can make the sacrifice’ bull that she pulled when we found the failsafe is how it’s always been. Always a choice between what Adora wants and the greater good.”

Bow added his revelations next. “At all of our princess alliance meetings Adora was the one to create battle plans and pull everyone together. She made sure we all had what we needed and no one really checked in with her since she was the one leading. She’s always been trying to take responsibility for us and she’s good at it and she’s She-Ra so… we let her. At the battle of Brightmoon she tried to tell us She-Ra would handle it on her own since the alliance had broken and that was what she was for. She wanted to take on an entire army alone rather than let any of us join her for the battle.” Bow brought his hands together anxiously, “And I was on Mara’s ship when we got the message that Light Hope had been lying to her the entire time and that She-Ra’s sword was designed to be a planet destroying weapon Mara had to sacrifice her life for.” Bow’s voice had tipped increasingly frantic and Catra’s eyes widened at the new information. “She was always focused on the mission and on saving someone or all of Etheria. Oh, this is bad.” 

“I think the only time I saw her asking for something she wants,” Glimmer spoke up, putting a hand on Bow’s arm to ground him and making eye contact with Catra, “something that has nothing to with She-Ra or a mission, just Adora, was when she asked to go rescue you from Prime’s ship.” Catra shuddered at the mention, her hand clutching instinctively behind her neck as Glimmer continued gently. “She said it was risky and that she understood if we didn’t want to go, but that she couldn’t leave you behind and she had to try. She was willing to risk all of the universe to get you back.”

Catra took a few shaky breaths at the implications of that. 

She took a few more, fighting back tears. 

“That’s all I’d ever wanted.” She practically whispered, still breathless despite the attempts to stabilize. Between the admittance she’d just made, the truth of it slamming into her, and the memories of all the people who had tried to ask her what she’d wanted when all she was chasing was power and revenge, Catra was bordering on a panic attack. With a grounding rumble from Melog and a brisk swipe at the tears threatening to fall, Catra came back to the present and found herself flushing deeply and fighting her instincts to run from the vulnerability of the moment. Sensing this Melog pressed across her lap a little harder. “She came to get me, risking her mission, because she wanted me back.” Shaking her head from wonder to guilt she continued, “I ran away when she left for the Heart because it hurt too much to think she was willing to risk her life. I asked her what she wanted and she said she had to do it, had to finish the mission. And I mean, she was right, we would have all died if she hadn’t gone, but it isn’t what I needed to hear and I left her.” Shame crept into the last three words she spoke as she curled further in on herself.

“But you came back.” Bow reached out a reassuring hand for her shoulder along with his trademark empathetic smile. Awkwardly and endearingly he scooted himself and Glimmer closer until the three of them were caught up in a hug, Catra leaning into the contact stiffly. “We had her until you were ready. I’m just glad you were able to find her when she left us.” Bow gently rubbed her shoulder enforcing the affection, but allowing Catra to find distance from the hug if she wanted it. She didn’t. “You came back and you fought for her and stayed with her and she let you. This isn’t going to be an easy road, getting Adora to see that we love and value her for who she is, not for what she does for us. We had no idea the extent of what was going on with her and I don’t think we would have been able to understand without you.” Bow looked Catra in the eyes, hoping to give his most sincere and validating smile. “Thank you for trusting us. I think the Best Friends Squad is ready to take this on, together.” 

Glimmer cheered in confirmation as she and Bow tightened the hug. Catra allowed herself to briefly melt into the contact, into the arms of people who were willing to not only help her stay upright, but to help her catch Adora as she fell. Needing to break the intensity of the moment Catra quipped, “can we count this as our shovel talk, Sparkles?” 

“Yeah, I think so, Horde Scum.” Glimmer replied with a laugh.

“Yeah you’re gonna need to find a better insult. That’s not me anymore.” Catra stuck her tongue out in disgust as she wiggled out of the hug. She may have been stuck with them in space for weeks and just bared her soul and traumatic childhood to these people, but that didn’t mean she was ready for prolonged feelings. 

Glimmer held a downright devious smile as she eyed Catra up and down. “Hmm, alright. Bow, what do you think?”

“Oh! How about ‘world’s most adorable redeemed villain’?” Bow asked spanning his hands across the sky as if he were revealing a banner.

“Yeah, okay, arrow-boy. You remember I defeated you in battle multiple times, right?” Catra’s tail playfully swatted his back even as she bared her fangs and claws with a menacing smile. 

Bow shrugged, “The Pookas on Beast Island were terrifying and almost killed us, but they were cute too. I stand by it.”

“It’s accurate, but a mouthful.” Glimmers eyes narrowed in thought suddenly sprung open, “Oh I’ve got it! Hey, Catra, remember when you brought me cake? Or when you jumped through fire for Adora? Or when you opened a portal instead of dealing with your feeli–“

“Yeah, yeah, get on with it, what’cha got?” Catra was enjoying the banter, but they were edging into dangerous territory. Glimmer, who had made a similar mistake and understood her position, was probably the only person on Etheria able to poke at that spot.

“We’re talking about that sometime, by the way.” Quiet seriousness edged Glimmer’s voice and Catra’s ears went back. 

“Yeah, fine, but it’ll be a two-way street. Let me do some of Perfuma’s meditating classes first though.” Catra looked away, momentarily feeling the weight of the work she still had to do. “C’mon, Sparkles, out with it, what’s it gonna be?” 

“Mhm, thanks for justifying my choice, Sap.” Glimmer grinned and Catra looked caught between delight and embarrassment. Moving from being defined by her past and her affiliations to being defined by how fiercely she loves is a gift, but she’ll never acknowledge it. She knew her face had betrayed her emotions by the quiet chuckle Bow gave and the triumphant look Glimmer had. Catra flicked a pebble at the princess’s forehead causing her to yelp and scrunch up her face. Catra stood in a fluid motion, her tail flicking in amusement as she reached down to offer Glimmer a hand up. Catra caught the devious look a moment too late as Glimmer reached for her hand and flicked a handful of harmless sparkles toward her at the last moment. Glimmer leapt up on her own and took off away from the tree as Catra sneezed a handful of times trying to chase after her, both of them grinning.

“Still cute!” Bow called out as he stood to go after them, met only by a frustrated groan from Catra and a cackle from Glimmer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise Adora makes an appearance in the next chapter, I just needed to lay the foundation for everyone to have a similar understanding of Adora before they all talk. Also to allow Catra to open up on her own terms. I've got at least 5 more chapters planned, but this is my first fic attempt so we'll see how that goes. If there's anything you want to see discussed or that I'm missing please leave a comment or come yell at me on tumblr @artofadora


	3. Where's Adora?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's check in on Adora's headspace is and follow her on that surveillance mission.  
> Warnings for this chapter: Panic attacks, talking about Adora's scars, and some pretty dark coping mentalities.  
> Gotta start from the bottom before we can build her up properly, but it does get better.

As Adora and Swift Wind flew lazy circles on the way to Brightmoon Adora took careful notes of the land below. Ever the vigilant soldier she made a rough topographical sketch and began identifying areas that had been destroyed, towns that needed rebuilding, clusters of clones attempting to find meaning, refuge camps hidden in the woods during the initial retreat from Prime’s bots. They were only halfway to Brightmoon and Adora had already filled two pages with notes, each pen mark etching a burden upon her soul. There was so much damage and work left to do. None of this would have happened if she’d been here, if she’d found She-Ra sooner, if she’d been able to activate the failsafe sooner. 

The failsafe. 

Adora almost didn’t activate the failsafe. 

Flashing back to the night prior, Adora remembered waking up suddenly, the nightmare of the day finally catching up with her as her body lit up with an echoed burn of poison and her head filled with Prime’s vindictive laughter. Adora had woken up facing Catra, barely holding back a scream, her hand silently clapping over her mouth as a sob fought its way up her throat. She and Catra had fallen asleep in the same bed but they’d both been too exhausted to do more than curl into each other in a familiar way, not yet ready for the emotional expense of exploring their relationship further. Adora was grateful now that they were barely tangled. She was shaking and sweating as she rolled onto her back and bit her hand to stop any noise and bring herself to reality. Catra stirred briefly and Adora all but held her breath, violently freezing her muscles in place to keep Catra from waking up. The day had been long enough and Adora couldn’t bear to burden her with this, it’s not like she couldn’t handle it on her own. Agitation bubbled within her chest as Adora continued fighting against the welling panic. She should be better than this. There was no real danger present, they’d won and Prime was gone, and panic attacks were a weakness She-Ra could not afford to indulge.

As Catra settled back into rhythmic breathing Adora slid gently out of the bed. Her entire chest felt like it was vibrating as she stalked to the bathroom and ran the tap softly to help cover any noise she might make, giving in that this might be more intense to handle than she’d like to admit. Sliding back against the door Adora traced the mark along her back with her left hand as her right remained in a vigilant guard, her gaze bouncing around the empty bathroom for signs of attack, her ears tuned in to the gentle snoring of Catra in the next room over the sound of the faucet. “Warriors marks”, she thought to herself. The scars she bore didn’t hurt anymore, but they all held meaning. Adora could always feel them, but they only seemed to make themselves visible when she needed to remember.

Her hand moved up closer to where Catra had scratched her while chipped and then ghosted down to her leg from the same incident. “From choosing to save the one I love. From choosing not to give up. No regrets.” Her chin lifted a little with pride as she felt steel flooding her veins, though her chest continued to flutter. She traced along her body to where the poison had entered near her ribs. “Because I allowed myself to be distracted. It almost killed me. Valuable lesson.” Her hand finally settled on her chest over the mark of the Failsafe, the vibrating finally dying down. “For Etheria. For the universe. For my friends. The burden that She-Ra alone could bear so that no one else would have to die.” Her hand curled into a fist and the comforting weight left as she dropped both hands to the floor and allowed herself to be exposed to the night, almost as if she were offering herself in tribute to the darkness around her. She wasn’t afraid anymore. She’d let the shadows take her in a heartbeat if it meant everyone else would be okay and these scars proved it. That thought allowed her to relax a little against the door, reassured that she can and will do what it takes to keep everyone safe when the next moment comes.

Adora felt empty, but she’d consider that an improvement from the irritatingly raw panic that had been overloading her moments earlier. Letting out a few slow breaths that were just shy of shaky Adora repeated to herself the concepts that had gotten her through the Fright Zone and the expectations of She-Ra. “I am strong. I am brave. I know what I am capable of. I know I may be asked to die for those around me, and I am ready for it. I owe my life to my friends and to Etheria. It is my duty to protect them. I expect nothing in return because there’s nothing I need. It’s not about me.” The words breathed purpose and determination into lungs that ached to relax. 

“I almost failed.” This statement she said out loud, startling herself with the hoarse whisper. “I almost let the universe burn under Prime. I gave up. I would have failed if Catra hadn’t pulled me out of it.” Catra. That gave her pause. A whole new set of conflicting panic clashed with the recently formed steel walls within her. If Catra hadn’t been with her, hadn’t given her a reason to hope, hadn’t pulled her to her heart and made her realize exactly what she desperately wanted, the universe would be gone. 

Shadow Weaver’s voice hissed through her mind, “this is why you can’t need things, Adora. They make you weak. A Force Captain, or I suppose She-Ra, cannot afford to be weak or people will die. Your selfishness would have punished everyone you love all because you couldn’t get up and walk into the Heart. You got lucky this time, but what if something like this happens again? You’re not allowed to need others, Adora, it has to be you. You’re not done fighting.” Adora’s hands bunched into fists again as what felt like truth battered her already guilty heart and she fought the impulse to stand as if she’d been knocked down in training. 

Though Shadow Weaver wasn’t there with her physically Adora could feel the factual, falsely mothering, entirely manipulative tone she would have used crawl across her spine. It made her want to push away from the words. Something at the back of Adora’s mind burned against the concepts, desperate to be selfish and to want to live happily and equally with others. To be allowed to imagine a future. Adora racked her brain for hope of an argument, but she couldn’t find anything that didn’t end with having to put herself over the universe. No matter what she did, She-Ra was meant to protect, and if that meant one life for everyone around her? Adora could live with that. Or, rather, Adora was okay with the sacrifice. Confident that while people might miss her, they’d be able to live with it, or at least have the option to.

With a semblance of grounding Adora chose to break out of her spiral. Rather than continuing to follow any of those paths, she dropped to the ground and forced herself through sets of pushups until the adrenaline coursing through her had faded and she was left with a sweeping exhaustion. She was tempted to collapse onto the floor, but she didn’t want Catra to catch her out of bed and ask questions. With a slight grunt Adora pushed herself up one last time and turned off the tap before sneaking back into bed. Into their bed. Into the bed she and Catra were sharing. A brief smile tugged at her lips as she turned on her side to face her sleeping partner. Adora gently tucked a bit of Catra’s bangs behind her ear from where they’d fallen over her eyes. She was beautiful in the moonlight and Adora’s fingers trembled as she gently, so gently, cupped Catra’s cheek. 

Now that her panic had fully passed and Adora had been reminded of her burden she felt a conflicting pull of emotions. The love between her and Catra wasn’t new; it had always existed. But acknowledging it, allowing herself to not only feel it, but to be able to touch Catra in ways she had only wished involuntarily felt like a dream. Adora hadn’t given much thought towards what she wanted after the war at any point since she’d never known a life not geared toward battle. When she found out Catra had changed sides and wanted to be around Adora again those dangerous thoughts of relief, family, home, and safety, had started popping up whenever Adora caught her eye. After Catra had admitted she loved her, blindsiding Adora, those dreams became a reality and saved the universe. The concept, while objectively romantic, felt silly in the throes of the night. Adora didn’t need relief, a family, a home, or safety; she’d done just fine without them most of her life. 

But Adora wanted Catra. Wanted to build those things with her. Wanted to love and be loved and feel purpose in the world that wasn’t based in violence or service. She ached with the desire so intensely it brought up reflexive tears, which she fought to blink away as she watched Catra's peaceful breaths. It was an entirely selfish dream and Adora felt light years away from being able to achieve it. Even if she and Catra wanted the same things, which wasn’t guaranteed, Adora couldn’t bring herself to justify the selfishness it would mean to ask Catra to stay and love her even as her duty remained tied to the universe. Adora would never be able to build a proper family or give Catra and herself the love and priority they deserved so long as there was still need for She-Ra. 

Catra deserved more than Adora could offer her. 

Adora let her thumb sweep once across Catra’s cheekbone before withdrawing her hand and resting the now closed fist over her screaming heart. 

Catra slept peacefully right in front of her, had kissed her yesterday, had told her she loved her, and had smiled as she drifted to sleep holding Adora’s hand. It was everything she'd ever wanted and dreamed. Adora should feel peaceful. 

She’d never felt more alone. 

Adora turned away and slept fitfully for the rest of the night.

* * * *

Coming back to the moment on Swift Wind Adora found herself fighting through the roller coaster her emotions had followed in the last thirty seconds. Swift Wind, ever the attentive steed, had picked up on it and had stopped his flight pattern, gently swooping to the ground on a random hill near Brightmoon. Adora fully returned to her senses as they touched down and leapt off his back to land on slightly unsteady legs.

Running her hand through her hair, Adora remembered the last part of that emotional journey. When she’d woken up, the light of morning that broke up the shadows of the night had brought some relief. She still felt the burden of She-Ra, but as the sun filtered through the window and the world around her was literally brighter she found it difficult to squash the hope blooming in her chest as she watched Catra wake up. Adora would do anything to secure that future she ached for and if that meant fighting everything in the universe to justify her relationship with Catra, then that’s what she’d do. This mission was the perfect way to start that, Adora just had to get her head back on straight as the ground beneath her began to solidify. “Thanks, Swifty. Sorry about that, I think I just need a moment.” 

“Those were some pretty intense vibes, do you wanna talk about it?” Swift Wind stretched his wings while Adora worked her way back to what she thought of as emotional stability. 

“No…” Adora scuffed the hillside with her boot, avoiding the extremely pointed look Swift Wind was giving her. “Maybe. Ugh, fine.” Adora glared at Swift Wind’s triumphant look before gesturing around them in a wide circle and landing back on the pad of paper she still held. Adora’s words spilled out of her quicker than she could process them as she spoke. “There’s so much left to do! I barely stopped Prime from taking the Heart and She-Ra has an entire universe to get through with restoring magic or whatever and Etheria is still literally crawling with clones and no one’s living in their homes and all of it is my fault and we won but it’s not like we’re done and we won’t be done until everyone’s safe but that’s literally so many people and – ” Adora, pacing and gesturing emphatically at the ground, missed any warning entirely as Swift Wind stepped into her path. Bouncing off his chest Adora fell backwards so that she was glaring up at Swift Wind from a seated position. 

“Now that I have your attention.” Swift Wind waggled his head to show off his mane and demonstrate the knock down had not been intentionally hurtful. He brought his head to Adora’s level, matching her glare with steady confidence. “There is a lot to unpack there, but I’m going to start with: you are taking on waaay too much responsibility.” 

“I am not!” Adora huffed indignantly, jutting her chin out so that she and Swift Wind were practically butting heads. “She-Ra is responsible for Etheria! Maybe even the universe!”

“Says who?” Swift Wind challenged leaning into the head butting so that his horn knocked into her hair poof. 

“Says – pft. I mean – everyone knows – “ Adora trailed off sputtering. Light Hope, Shadow Weaver, the Rebellion… Respectively they’d been a war machine, disposable soldier, and completed as far as what Adora’s purpose was. Swift Wind might be, right? Almost as if he could feel that thought form Swift Wind suddenly raised his head triumphantly, accidentally pulling Adora up by the hair poof caught on his horn. She swatted at the tangle pulling her hair-tie free to redo the up-do. 

“All of this – “ Swift Wind spread his wings gesturing at the same areas Adora had pointed out on her map earlier, “it’s all because of an evil dictator cult leader. Not you. You didn’t cause any of this.”

“Maybe I didn’t cause it, but if I can fix it, aren’t I obligated to? She-Ra can help, it’s what she’s for.” Adora finished her ponytail and stared into the middle distance solemnly, what she hoped was heroically, though all it came off as was tired.

“She-Ra can help, sure, but you don’t think it’s even a little ridiculous to try and take on an entire universe of responsibility on your own? We didn’t even know there was a universe until a few months ago!” Swift Wind’s voice was unyielding, but his eyes conveyed sympathy. “Adora, there’s always going to be good and bad in the universe and you’re just one person, even if you are She-Ra. There are fights you’re not even going to know about and the best thing you can do is pull people toward that same drive to help, and then allow them to do it. Just think, if you’d never used your magic on me no one in this kingdom would know about the plight of horse-kind! Now I’m able to help you, the rebellion, and my brethren! Be honest, would you have known about my fight if you hadn’t given me a voice?”

“Yeaaahh, no. Probably not.” Adora admitted.

“No. Definitely not. At a minimum you tried to name me Horsey.” Sheepish grin met side eye. “The point is, Adora, you can’t do this alone. And you aren’t the only force for good in the world, or the universe. If you’re ready to fly again let’s see if we can prove that, hm?” Swift Wind bent down a little to offer his back. Adora climbed on, determined to complete her mission. Her thoughts took flight with Swift Wind’s wings as she tried to balance the idea that she wasn’t personally responsible for the safety of everyone in the universe with the overwhelming obligation to at least try.

As they flew Swift Wind narrated what the roles of each of the villages they passed had been while she was in space. How they’d worked together to pass supplies and hide people from being chipped. He pointed out the ways they worked together now to rebuild. Adora starting marking down the places that were thriving, the trade routes between villages, and the places where aide tents had already been built in addition to the places that were struggling. She-Ra had granted them the chance to rebuild and now life was carrying on and many villages were doing just that. Her map looked more promising and Adora felt the vice around her heart loosen a bit. 

Shortly after passing their third village Adora spotted a squad of four bots that appeared to be advancing through the trees with purpose. Drawing along their path she realized they were headed toward a small camp. Adora called Swift Wind’s attention to the group as she shifted into She-Ra and the pair descended on the bots just as they reached the camp clearing. She-Ra cut through three of them as Swift Wind rounded up the villagers and kicked away the last bot. “Where did that come from?” Adora wondered out loud looking around at the bots. They were clearly original Horde design, but everyone had assumed the bots would shut down with no one controlling them. “Do you think there’s more of these?” She called out to Swift Wind, toeing the now useless leg of one flipped upside down. 

“This isn’t the first time they’ve come for us.” One of the villagers Swift Wind had corralled spoke up. “They’ve been running the same patterns so we know how to stay out of the way, but we haven’t been able to successfully take one down on our own yet. Thank you, She-Ra!” The villagers cheered enthusiastically and She-Ra grinned back at them. 

“Do you know if this is happening anywhere else?” She asked. 

“We’ve heard more of them in the woods but their patterns don’t come near us.” An elderly villager spoke up from the crowd. He trundled toward She-Ra holding out a data pad. “Here, look at this. I’ve been in contact with the other villages nearby, this is what we have so far. They appear to be surveillance bots set to auto-pilot. No one’s turned them off yet and they don’t appear to be actively seeking anything, though they do attack on sight.” The man shrugged. “Mostly just a nuisance but none of the weapons we have seem to be able to fully take them down.” 

Adora took the data pad and looked over the routes and squad sizes it estimated. If they didn’t take care of this or if the bots broke out of their pre-determined routes this could be a major issue. Adora nodded curtly and moved to hand the data pad back but the old man waved her off telling her she’ll need it more than him. “Thank you. We’ll take care of it!” She-Ra called out to the crowd and was met with relieved cheers and thank yous as the citizens turned to go back to their jobs around the camp. 

Swift Wind and She-Ra set off after the bots. While none of them were particularly difficult to take down, especially now that Adora had gained better control of her She-Ra form, the sheer number they ran into proved to be a challenge. It wasn’t until the sky began to grow dark that Adora noticed they’d been out for a lot longer than the promised hour and that she hadn’t actually completed her surveillance flight. Adora had no idea what state Brightmoon itself was in, but she could confidently report that most of the Whispering Woods was about to be bot free. Figuring she might as well make work of the last reported squad Adora and Swift Wind descended onto a hill near a small village, looking out to the trees for the bots set to arrive within a few minutes. 

In these moments between battles Adora and Swift Wind had been catching up with each other. Adora filled him in on her progress with Catra, Swift Wind told her about the apple groves he’d been planting with Scorpia and Perfuma each time they’d recovered a village from Horde control. They’d moved through the majority of the time they’d been apart by the time they reached this final staging grounds. Swift Wind had just finished his impressions of everyone in the rebellion and was moving on to a Sea Hawk story as Adora listened with a finally relaxed smile. “Oh and did I tell you about the shanty Sea Hawk and I wrote about the apple groves a couple weeks ago? It goes like this! Ooooohhhh-Aaugh!” Swift Wind cut off with a yell as Glimmer appeared in front of them in a shower of sparkles. 

“Glimmer?!” Adora exclaimed. 

“One hour, Adora. A one hour surveillance flight, that was all we asked. What have you been doing? We thought something happened and you didn’t take a comm and I’ve been teleporting around all of the villages trying to find you! Catra and Bow went off on a search party and – Oh, right.” Glimmer held her hand up to her ear to activate her comm, “found her.” Glimmer winced and Adora could barely make out the sounds of Catra’s yelling even from a couple steps away. “She’s fine, we’re near a village, just head back to camp and we’ll be there soon.” Glimmer shut off the link and narrowed her eyes at Adora putting her hands on her hips. She opened her mouth to continue yelling, but was cut off by a near-miss laser blast from the final squad of bots that had just shown up. 

Glimmer’s eyes widened in disbelief as Adora moved past her to run toward the bots. Teleporting with frightening accuracy Glimmer dropped two of the four bots on top of each other and used a magical blast to slice the other two in half just as Adora and Swift Wind reached them.

Seeing the look Glimmer had centered on Adora, Swift Wind spoke up while side stepping from the tension, “I’m guessing you’re going to teleport back so I’m just gonna head on out here…” Swift Wind backed away and left Adora alone with Glimmer. 

“Glim, I’m sorry. We ran into a squad of these attacking a village and got some information on more of them. I lost track of time and I –“ Glimmer shook her head and held up a hand against the apology. Adora thought she was about to continue yelling, but after a beat of silence Glimmer closed the distance between them to hug her. 

“We were so worried something had happened.” Glimmer held her tightly and Adora could feel a single shake as Glimmer fought back a sob. “We didn’t want you to disappear again.”

“I should have taken a comms unit with me, I’m sorry.” Adora held Glimmer back, fighting off more guilt. No matter what she did someone got hurt. Attempting to defend herself by stepping on her own foot Adora continued, “this is She-Ra’s job, Glimmer, I couldn’t just leave them to be attacked.”

Glimmer stiffened in the hug before pulling away abruptly. “No. You didn’t have to do this alone. As soon as you had the information you could have come to us and we could have done this as a team.” Adora attempted to interject, but Glimmer already knew what she was going to say and headed it off. “I know you could handle it, but after everything that’s happened we couldn’t shake the idea that something major had gone wrong. Just. Quit running into conflict without us. No more of that. We’re a team. You need to trust us.” Glimmer approached Adora again, laying a hand on her arm. 

“I do trust you.” Adora shuffled awkwardly at being called out and dropped her She-Ra form. “I just found something that I could do to help and it’s not like bots are difficult.” Adora knew it wasn't the time, but she couldn't keep the jock-like confidence out of her voice. 

“I know they’re not, but it’s - it’s not so much about the bots, Adora.” Glimmer shook her head and offered her hand. “This isn’t the place to have this discussion and it’s getting dark. And I know for sure Catra needs to see that you’re actually alive or she’s going to explode. So, are you ready to go back?” 

Something about what Glimmer said nagged a warning at the back of Adora’s mind, but at the mention of Catra her heart flipped and thoughts derailed. The length of their day apart was finally catching up with her and Adora wanted nothing more than to have an excuse to forget about She-Ra for a little while and just spend time with the person who literally means the universe to her. Adora took Glimmer’s hand and they teleported back to the camp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright congratulations if you made it this far!  
> I'm having a lot of fun writing this! Next chapter should be more fluff centric so if you're worried about this not being a healing experience for Adora fear not and stick around. There's just a lot of nasty stuff that needs to be sifted through in order to be addressed properly.


	4. Healing?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontation here we come

Adora and Glimmer landed back in the private tent at camp in a shower of sparkles. As soon as the magic had dissipated Adora was tackled by a blur of orange and red. Without a word Catra knelt beside her hovering face to face as her hands brushed all over Adora to assess for damage. Coming back up to her shoulders Catra seemed to deem Adora passably safe and stood off of her. She offered Adora her hand and pulled her up to standing. “You’re not off the hook, I’m still mad you left.” Catra dropped her hand and crossed her arms as soon as Adora was standing, her gaze pointedly on Glimmer and Bow across from them. Despite the clear snubbing, Catra’s tail wrapped almost unconsciously around Adora’s hand and she shifted slightly closer. 

“I’m sorry. I really didn’t think it was going to be a problem and I lost track of time.” Adora knew there was something more to this conversation. Catra was refusing to look her in the eye and Bow was almost making too much eye contact as if he were trying to see into her soul and apologize for it at the same time. She mirrored Catra, crossing her arms defensively. “She-Ra can handle bots, guys, better than those villages could.”

Glimmer had been glancing between the other two and seemed to reach a consensus between eye contact and curt nods. She sighed, beginning tenderly and picking up a bit of unintentional anger as she went. “What if they were new bots? What if they had been like when we found the pulse bots or the multiplying bots or the electric field bots or first ones tech or any of Horde Prime’s stuff? There’s no way of always knowing what you’re up against, Adora!” Glimmer grounded herself with a small growl of frustration allowing the anger to ease back to its root cause in pain. “We care about you as a person. We care if something happens to you. You can’t just keep charging in without thinking about the people who care about you.” Glimmer’s tone was gentle, but her words rubbed Adora abrasively. 

“I am thinking about the people who care about me!” Adora’s frustration was beginning to boil, tapping into everything else she’d wrestled with that day. “I’m thinking about how I want them to stay safe and how I’d rather not risk everyone else’s lives when I know I can handle it. She-Ra is built to handle it. This is what she’s _for _, Glimmer!”__

“She-Ra isn’t _for _anything, Adora!” Shock, anger, and fear flew across Adora’s face as she tried to object, but Glimmer barreled on. “Yes, She-Ra is powerful and magical, but so am I, so is Frosta, and Perfuma, and all the rest of the Alliance! You can’t just keep throwing yourself away as if you matter less than any of us!” Glimmer reached for her hand and Adora let her take it reluctantly. Catra’s tail wrapped more securely around her other hand and she allowed her arm to brush against Adora’s though she was still playing at a cold shoulder.__

____Glimmer let out a regretful hum as she continued. “This isn’t how I wanted to start this conversation, but we’re here now. Adora, we want you just as much as we need She-Ra. I don’t know what future you’ve been imagining this entire time, but mine always included you in it. You’re my best friend and I couldn’t handle it if something happened to you.” Glimmer was fighting back tears as Adora stood in front of her stunned._ _ _ _

____“You could. You’d learn to.” Adora’s words slipped out before she could stop them. She felt Catra stiffen beside her as Bow and Glimmer both flinched back. This wasn’t a discussion she ever wanted to actually verbalize; it was supposed to be an unspoken penance between her and the universe. It was not supposed to be something the people she was willing to die for were allowed to have an opinion on, let alone talk to her about. Adora clenched her fist and set her jaw, preparing for an explosion._ _ _ _

____Instead, Bow spoke up as Glimmer stewed and Catra’s tail twitched in agitation around her wrist, “do you remember what you said to me as we were repelling out of the castle to go steal Mara’s ship for Beast Island?”_ _ _ _

____“Uh. No? I remember getting caught by Frosta.” Bow’s oddly specific request was enough to make Adora focus through the turbulence._ _ _ _

____“I was freaking out about going against Glimmer’s orders and if we should even go on the mission. You said if we go ‘at least she’ll be alive to be mad at us’ and I didn’t quite understand what that meant.” Adora’s brow furrowed trying to track Bow’s intentions. “I know it’s hard to talk about feelings, especially when you feel like you’re not supposed to have them. But we’d always rather you tell us when you’re hurting or when these thoughts pop up, because at least you’d be around for us to be mad at you.” Bow’s comforting smile dropped into slight panic and he waved his hands frantically in front of him, “Wait, that’s not coming out right, hang on-”_ _ _ _

____Catra interjected before Bow could strain himself, “what arrow-boy means is that we would rather know something’s going on and deal with it then, than find out later because you were gone. Like today.”_ _ _ _

____Adora frowned, “I didn’t mean to be gone so long–“_ _ _ _

____“Ugh! Don’t you get it? It’s not about this specific mission, Adora!” Catra burst out, baring her teeth and claws, sick of beating around the bush. “It’s about how often you run straight into dangerous scenarios and don’t let anyone go with you. It’s about how many times we’ve almost lost you. It’s about how none of us want you to die!” Catra closed her eyes, took a few shaky breaths, and slowly sheathed her claws. When she opened her eyes again the look of broken fear and honesty she sent weighed on Adora’s shoulders. Catra leaned fully into Adora’s side and whispered half to herself and half to Adora, “I can’t lose you again.” Adora shook her head, trapped between wanting to comfort Catra and defend herself._ _ _ _

____Glimmer stepped in before Adora could try to shoulder the conversation. “You’re right, Adora. If you died, I’d carry on living. I have a kingdom to look after and there are other people in my life who love me and who I love.” Bow stepped in, placing his hands on Glimmer and Adora’s shoulders. Glimmer sent a small smile his way and turned back to Adora, “but there would always be part of me missing. ” Adora was trembling and Glimmer held her hand tightly now between both of her own._ _ _ _

____Adora knew their contact was meant to be comforting. Instead she felt electricity racing along her spine and through every nerve. Her instincts were begging her not to accept the contact and what it meant. She was fighting to not rip her hand away from Glimmer’s, fighting to not shove off Bow, fighting to not run from Catra’s leaning presence, fighting to accept the love she was being offered instead of viewing it as a threat or an obligation._ _ _ _

____Breathing heavily Adora weaponized honesty against the borderline overwhelming feelings. “It might hurt, but that part would heal. You said your future always included me? We’ve known each other for only three years, Glimmer, and always in the context of war.” The bitter words were meant to hurt, but they landed without much punch considering that only three years in a war passes differently. Adora switched tactics, “I didn’t have a kingdom, a family, a role outside of this. You do. That was enough for me to fight for. I couldn’t afford to think of what future I wanted or who might miss me because if I did, I wouldn’t be able to make the sacrifices I knew I might have to.” Adora’s eyes flashed in challenge._ _ _ _

____Glimmer narrowed her eyes and nodded meeting Adora’s gaze with her own, the two refusing to back down from each other. Glimmer’s voice held a blunt strength and compassion, mirroring the authority of her mother. “We know you were ready to die with the Failsafe. I don’t know how long this has been going on for, but Adora can you please acknowledge that it’s scary for the people who love you to think that you’re ready to die at any given moment?” Glimmer could see the gears turning in Adora’s head and pushed on, sure of her next point. “We didn’t ask you to sacrifice yourself.”_ _ _ _

____Adora’s guilty expression twisted into outrage. She threw down Glimmer’s hand stepping away from her and Bow and closer to Catra. She stumbled instead as Catra pulled away from Adora to direct her bitter and angry words at Glimmer. “Maybe you didn’t ask her to directly, but no one else stepped up for it! And even before Prime, _you _were willing to use her as bait and a weapon!” Glimmer flushed with embarrassment and regret. Catra’s ears went back in sympathy, aware that she was toeing a very thin, very hypocritical line, and familiar with the discomfort of being called out._ _ _ _ __

It wasn’t just you.” Catra amended. The two nodded sharply, acknowledging each other and calling a quick truce to allow Catra’s momentum and point to continue. She shifted from an accusation to a narration, “it was everyone who was ever in charge of her. That stupid hologram lady wanted her to let go of everything she cared about. Shadow Weaver-“ Catra let out a dark chuckle, “oh man. Shadow Weaver gave her every opportunity for the _ultimate sacrifice _.“ Catra spat the last words, mimicking the language of the Horde. She rounded on Adora, barely attempting to conceal the grief underlying her anger, “and you always did what they asked! So ready to be the martyr and the hero you couldn’t think about how the rest of us would feel!”_ _

Adora shook her head and replied with desperation, “I didn’t _want _to die! But it didn’t matter what I wanted! One life for the safety of everyone on this planet is not a difficult equation. Each of those situations needed She-Ra, not Adora. It didn’t matter if I was scared or if there were other things I wanted. It didn’t matter that I didn’t ask for this! It’s not about what I want! …it never was.” Adora was losing steam and letting the words flow without thought as they struck her tongue. “I never really cared about what I wanted or my future. I… I couldn’t afford to. It would be selfish. What I wanted didn’t matter.” The last words came out hollow of any emotion, just stated as if they were complete fact.__

______Catra’s ears and tail dropped, her eyes widening as she started to understand how Adora had thought of the last three years and all of their choices. “It mattered to me.” Catra choked out. “Even if it isn’t possible, it matters to me what you want, Adora.” Clarity struck between them, the pang of loss and miscommunication echoing across their history._ _ _ _ _ _

______Bow came closer to her side and set a hand on Adora’s shoulder, spinning her gently to be able to look her in the eye and allowing Catra to have a moment to process. “What about when you lost She-Ra? You were charging recklessly into battles, not eating, not sleeping, not listening to what any of us said about how you had fragile bones again.” Bow allowed some playful snark to seep into his voice before returning to his trademark empathy. “It looked like you wanted to go down fighting. As if you thought you weren’t worth anything without She-Ra.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Adora felt the familiar twinge of panic at the memory of operating without She-Ra, “I - I didn’t know if I was. I kept seeing She-Ra in dreams, but I could never reach her and I felt like it was my fault we were losing. War is about getting the people around you home safely. That – that’s always been my role, my job, my purpose, even before She-Ra.” Adora’s hands clenched into fists and she paused a beat to let the familiar concept wash over her. In that beat Catra edged closer and Glimmer followed suit. “I turned my back on everything I grew up with, I was lied to about where I come from and turned into a weapon, and then I lost She-Ra right as Horde Prime showed up. Everything I’d ever believed in kept turning into lies and we were losing badly.” Adora’s voice was starting to crack and the trio could see her anxiety rising. “I didn’t know if we were going to win the war anymore, but I knew I had to try. I couldn’t give up on any of you. That was all that mattered.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Glimmer placed her hands on Adora’s arms grabbing her attention in earnest. “Adora, you matter to us. Seeing you in our future matters to us.” Catra nodded and joined the group settling against Adora’s side. “We’re more than just people to protect, we want to protect you too.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______That was the final straw. Adora fell to her knees and the three followed her down. Now trembling and fighting a boiling panic Adora was barely able to choke out her responses. “I can’t. I can’t let any of you get hurt for me. I can’t, I’m not worth –, I’m not, I can’t.” Adora growled in frustration at the weakness she was displaying and shrugged out of the grasp of the trio, scooting backward until she felt a solid wall. She dropped her head onto her knees willing herself back into the present and some semblance of control. Adora spoke weakly through her legs, “we’ve all been ready to die for this war at some point; I’m just the one who keeps getting asked to.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Heaviness settled around the room as Bow and Glimmer looked at each other, unsure of what to do. Catra indicated for them to stay in place and turned toward Adora. She spoke in calm, even tones, “hey, Adora? I’m coming closer, okay?” and waited for Adora’s faint nod before moving. Catra approached her slowly, clearly telegraphing every movement. Adora tracked her from between her elbow and knee with an eye that pleaded for safety, but braced for pain. Catra’s heart broke a million times over as she realized again just how much pressure Adora had been under all their lives._ _ _ _ _ _

______She sat next to Adora without touching her and offered her hand between them, palm up and completely Adora’s choice. Adora twined their fingers together in a near death grip, burying her face completely again. Catra could see the blush spreading across Adora’s ears from the embarrassment of creating a scene, of needing someone. She gestured Glimmer and Bow to come closer slowly. “You know I’m not going to hurt you, right?” Catra whispered as they approached, running a soothing thumb over the back of Adora’s hand._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I- yeah. S-sorry.” Adora sniffled into her knees._ _ _ _ _ _

______Catra tapped at her hand and Adora finally looked up at her, eyes watering. Catra eased out of Adora’s grip, reaching up to smooth her thumb across Adora’s cheekbone. She caught the single escape artist tear as it fell saving face for Adora. “No, you don’t need to apologize. I’m sorry for not understanding sooner, I’m sorry I got angry. I’m not going anywhere. Neither are Sparkles and Arrow.” Catra tentatively ghosted her hand down Adora’s neck and shoulder, landing gently, warmly on her back. A whimper just loud enough for magicat ears to pick up escaped Adora and Catra pulled her into a fierce hug. “This isn’t being weak. It takes strength to lean on people. It’s… annoyingly difficult.” Adora snorted a laugh through the tears she was biting back. Catra rolled her eyes and amended, “what I mean is, you don’t have to deal with this alone.” At Catra’s beckoning Glimmer and Bow joined them making an awkward pile of love and limbs._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Are we worth it to protect, Adora?” Glimmer asked as she wrapped her arms around Adora’s opposite side. Adora could only nod. “Then why is it so crazy to think that you might be worth it to us too? You, Adora, not because of She-Ra.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______A sob escaped her chest before she could stop it and the internal dam Adora had been carefully keeping together with duct tape and will power from the moment she’d turned her back on the Horde broke. Adora fell apart in the arms of the people she loved and the world didn’t end. Adora cried and showed her pain and her weakness involuntarily and felt no physical consequences. In fact all she felt was warm and comforted. Adora slipped into the kind of ugly crying that feels like the soul is weeping, but looks like a lot of snot and impending dehydration, and no one pulled away from her. For the first time, possibly ever in her life, Adora was genuinely safe to have a well-earned mental break down._ _ _ _ _ _

______Adora let down her guard and the three most important people in her life were finally allowed to protect her. It didn’t solve everything, but it was a good, honest start at healing._ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adora can have a little mental break down, as a treat.  
> This chapter was a bear to pull together and ended up being split into two. Also I'm still learning about how italics work so someone please let me know if it doesn't make sense.  
> Part 2 will be up soon!  
> Y'all have been lovely and thank you for sticking with me through this. I’m on tumblr @artofadora if you want to talk


	5. Healing!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 is where all the fluff and banter went

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey this one comes with art! 
> 
> https://artofadora.tumblr.com/post/620792793615499264/a-moment-of-peace-check-out-the-fic-its-based-on
> 
> In an additional statement: this author supports Black Lives Matter and Trans people. This fic is an outlet for me to destress so please do not mistake my silence for apathy. I love you all, this is just where I can catch a breather. With that, please enjoy a chapter that is pretty much just fluff!

Such vulnerability is only sustainable for so long when you haven’t known it before. No matter how well deserved a several hour long cry session would be, Adora pulled out of the catharsis after a few minutes. Displays of physical weakness were strongly discouraged in the Horde and with the literal days old end of a decades long war, Catra found it nothing short of a miracle that they’d even gotten her to release this much. 

As Adora dissolved into sniffles and the occasional cough Catra carefully undid her now thoroughly disheveled ponytail. All guards down, the trio gradually loosened their grip until they’d fallen into a disorganized cuddle pile. Adora kept trying to stutter into an apology, but Catra and Glimmer would cut her off with little “nope,” “no, Adora,” “nuh-uh”s until she stopped trying and gave in to the awkward aftermath of a public breakdown. She eventually curled into them with a small “thank you,” and her breaths evened out. The purr Catra had been sustaining tapered off with the dissolving tension. 

As the silence stretched on Bow piped up from over Adora’s shoulder with a grin far wider than was appropriate, “so… who wants to talk about some healthy coping mechanisms?” His level of enthusiasm matched the level of stress he was desperately trying to push away at broaching the subject. “Because I _really _think we should talk about some healthy coping mechanisms.”__

Catra laughed so hard it turned into a squeak, breaking the tension that followed that suggestion. Despite the exhaustion she felt deep down, Adora smiled. Catra turned on Bow with a teasing tone, “what, are you saying you’re the expert? Mr. I-Smile-When-Deeply-Stressed?”  


“Oh like you’re one to talk Ms. No-I-Will-Not-Admit-My-Feelings-Until-The-World-Is-Ending” Glimmer shot back for Bow.

“Wait, are you talking to her or me?” Adora playfully interjected.

“Actually, she’s talking about herself.” Catra snarked, sticking her tongue out at Glimmer.  


Glimmer huffed and Bow, sensing the impending cat-fight, jumped back in, “alright guys. Seriously, this is what I’m talking about. Defensive language, throwing back insecurities, almost self-deprecating humor…”

“That’s just conversation.” Catra’s muttered, ears folding back at the callout.

__“Sometimes, sure, and that would be fine if these weren’t the super basic versions of bigger problems. Little moments lead to big things. So, let’s start with something easy. Glimmer, what reminds you of the good in the world?”_ _

__“That’s easy?” Catra huffed under her breath. “Princesses…”_ _

__Glimmer spoke over Catra, “magic, the Best Friends Squad, getting to see the look on someone’s face when they think I’m down and out in a fight and then I win.” Glimmer listed, finishing with a competitive grin and a sparkling fist held up in triumph, which she let dissipate without coming near Catra for once. “What about you, Bow?”_ _

__“Friends, adventures, inventing things, getting to come back to the camp at the end of the day and see everyone alive and happy.” Bow squeezed the group a bit and everyone grumbled though no one minded. “Catra?”_ _

__“Adora.” Catra stated reflexively before blushing deeply._ _

__“No, you first.” Adora craned her neck back a bit to look at Catra with a pout._ _

__“Dummy.” Catra chuckled softly, poking Adora’s forehead. She hesitated before giving in to her impulse and running her fingers through the blonde’s hair fondly. Seeing the contentment on Adora’s face from the gesture she decided the vulnerability of the moment would be worth it. “You make things suck less.”_ _

__“Sap.” Glimmer whispered, the weight of the word indicating her pride. She wasn’t quite loud enough for Adora to hear, but Catra flicked an ear to acknowledge she’d caught it. She didn’t bother leaving the look of delight Adora was giving her that she knew was shyly mirrored across her own face._ _

__“Adora-ble and I love it. But is there anything else? Something that’s just you?” Bow prompted, wanting her to list good things in life that aren’t just one single person. Catra thought for a moment, letting her hand continue to card through Adora’s hair. Adora sank further into Catra and fought the urge to nod off, wanting to hear her response._ _

__Catra began hesitantly, “I’m a lot more capable than anyone thought I could be. I took down Hordak personally, I allied two gangs in the Crimson Waste within a day, I broke a prisoner out of Horde Prime’s ship, and that was before I joined you all.” Catra’s tail starting swishing with her grin, “and not having to fight everyone is pretty nice.”_ _

__Bow whooped and Glimmer gave a nod of approval with a knowing eyebrow raise. Bow peered over everyone’s shoulders and gently prompted, “Adora?” She blinked heavily at him, content smile in place until she realized what he was asking._ _

__Adora shook herself into coherent thoughts. “I’ve always been able to find good things in the world, and I believe there will always be things that make it worth fighting for. In the beginning I pulled hope from watching the alliance interact, getting to know you two, knowing that what I was fighting for was good, all the citizens we helped. At first that was enough, but as everything kept changing, getting worse, I was really losing hope for a future that wouldn’t just be fighting. And uh, I didn’t really find it again until we got you back.” Adora tentatively looked over at Catra whose hand stilled._ _

__“Oh but not me?” Glimmer teased, knowing full well that this was a Moment she was interrupting. Bow sent a disapproving look and Catra sent a death glare._ _

__“Yes! I mean, no, but yes, but, hang on.” Adora groaned, covering her face with her hands, knowing Glimmer was messing with her and walking directly into the trap anyway._ _

__“Way to completely kill the moment, Sparkles.” Catra swatted at Glimmer before turning back to Adora, her voice just shy of tender. “Can we go back to how I gave you hope because that’s – that’s actually pretty cool. Of you. Or something.” Catra trailed off looking away to hide her smile as her ears fell back slightly and her blush deepened._ _

__“Nerd.” Adora teased._ _

__Catra’s head whipped around, her jaw agape and voice squeaky, “Am not!”_ _

__“Mm, no the rules clearly state that if one of us is cool that means the other is a nerd and if I’m going to be ambushed into laying my heart out for all of you, that means I get to be the cool one.” Adora chanced a boop to Catra’s nose just barely pulling her finger back in time to avoid her bite with a chuckle._ _

__“Yes! Vulnerability is cool!” Bow cheered and high fived Adora._ _

__“Ugh, ya know what? Fine.” Catra relented, her tail curling around Adora._ _

__“Oh you accepted it! A sap and a nerd! I’m adding that to the list!” Glimmer crowed._ _

__“Don’t you dare” Catra brandished a single, specific, claw menacingly toward Glimmer. Threat conveyed, she leaned in closer to Adora with the hint of a purr betraying her eagerness despite the offhand attempt. “So, what was it you were saying?”_ _

__“I uh, yep, – wait you let her call you Sap?” Adora sputtered between giggles at the interaction and the excitement of her friends bonding._ _

__Catra, unable to respond due to short-circuiting at Adora giggling in her arms, was saved by Bow. “You were talking about hope. Not the hologram, the actual like, concept.”_ _

__“Right, right.” Adora cleared her throat, still a bit giddy. Grounding herself in the love surrounding her Adora allowed more truth to tumble freely, unrestricted for once. “When you joined the Best Friend Squad all of the good things in the world didn’t suddenly appear, they just… felt a lot more comfortable. Like I could finally enjoy them with everyone I wanted to.” Adora blushed and rushed on to the next confession._ _

__“When I passed out from the poison at the Heart I saw a vision of the four of us, older, couples, but still best friends. It was meant to be a trick from Prime, a dream that could never be and a last reminder of everyone I failed to keep safe so I would give up.” Adora turned closer to Catra, not quite meeting her eyes, but twining their fingers together with restless thumbs. “I wasn’t afraid when it was time to walk into the Heart because I knew it was always a possibility. I mean, I hoped it would work, but I wasn’t afraid of dying.” Adora exhaled and met Catra’s eyes, “I was afraid because the future I’d hoped for had already disappeared. Or, I thought it had.”_ _

__Catra pulled back a bit from Adora, her ears back and her voice small, “when I left you in the woods?” Adora nodded. “You saw me in your future then?”_ _

__“I’ve always hoped you would be.” The simple finality of Adora’s statement threw Catra back a bit more, looking ready to bolt. Rushing to cover her boldness Adora amended, “or, well, I mean, part of it, if you wanted to be. You could be. I want you to be.” Adora blushed deeply and briefly broke eye contact to look over wide-eyed at the very involved Bow and moderately entertained Glimmer who each gave her a thumbs up and a ‘look back at her’ hand wave._ _

__Adora’s grip on Catra’s hands tightened. She took a deep breath and finally looked up. Warm grey eyes met wide gold and blue and everything else faded away as Adora spoke carefully, “I always hoped for it, but when you, um, asked me to stay, I realized that might actually be a future you wanted too. Even if She-Ra hadn’t come back, that moment with you felt like everything good in the universe. It felt like coming home.”_ _

The flickering panic and regret Catra had been fighting faded with the peace washing over her. Catra sank into the sensation of the moment, wanting to remember everything. She could feel a warmth spreading from her chest and a weight lifting from her shoulders. She could feel tears pricking at the corners of her eyes along with a rapidly spreading blush and soft smile. She could hear the excited chirps from Bow muffled by Glimmer’s hand. She could feel Adora’s weight in her arms and how solid and real and alive she was. Catra could feel her gaze slipping from Adora’s open, honest, and unabashedly love struck eyes down to her lips and her breath hitched as Adora smirked… 

__Glimmer cleared her throat. “Well I think we’ve made some good progress here tonight, who’s ready to go to bed, hm?” Glimmer threw a very pointed look at the furiously blushing pair as the group started to stand. She waited for Adora to look away before throwing a wink at Catra who narrowed her eyes and bared her fangs with a smile._ _

“See ya in the morning, _Princess _” Catra purred with an exaggerated bow.__

“You know I’m a _Queen _here.” Glimmer huffed.__

“Nah. I’m referring to the personality, not the title, Sparkles” At Glimmer’s eye roll Catra dissolved into a cackle. Glimmer shook her head and smiled, taking Bow’s hand to teleport them to bed. Catra threw Adora’s arm around her shoulders to help support the thoroughly exhausted princess of power on the short walk to their sleeping area. 

Adora hummed happily leaning into Catra with all of her filters gone. “I like it when you do that."

“What? Annoy your friends?”

______“No, laugh. I missed it. It’s beautiful.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Oh, congrats! You’re the nerd again.” The two kept up the easy banter and lopsided steps, quickly reaching the area Catra had been sleeping in. The two had tucked their bedrolls together the previous night and hung a blanket as a door to seek shelter from the prying eyes of their friends._ _ _ _ _ _

______Catra lowered Adora to the roll closest to her. Adora held on to her wrist looking up from where she was nestled, desperation thinly veiled by a questioning glance. They had started off curled up together the night before, but that was right after the near end of the world and Adora didn’t want Catra to feel pressured. Catra, sensing Adora’s anxiety, spoke gently, “I just need to get Melog, I’ll be right back.” Adora nodded and reluctantly let Catra’s wrist slip through her fingers, softly caressing the back of her hand with her thumb before fully letting go. Catra hesitated only a moment before walking away._ _____

__Just around the corner she found Melog at their post. When Glimmer had shown up with Adora Melog volunteered to stand guard outside the tent so they could all speak privately. Catra was grateful for the privacy even if she’d missed the comfort they provided. Catra scratched the figure behind its ears as she knelt to observe the night.__

_“It feels like it went well, but you still worry?” _Melog mewled and rumbled.__

Catra sighed, “yeah.” Both of their ears went back at the same time. “Adora said she always hoped I would be part of her future.” Catra blushed.

_“Isn’t that what you wanted all this time?” _Melog tilted their head.__

“Yes, but I almost destroyed it. Multiple times! I could have been here and instead I was hurting people! Hurting Adora. I don’t deserve-“ 

Catra, moving to stand as she spoke, was cut off by Melog’s red-tinged head landing heavily in her lap, keeping her grounded. _“You came back. The fact that you worry shows that you care. As long as you continue to try to do better she will want you. She loves you.” ___

__

__

“You can’t guarantee that.” Catra grumbled, looking for an argument even as Melog shifted back to blue.

_“No, but I can guarantee that you will be more miserable if you run away than if you at least take the chance and try.” ___

__

__

“You know you can’t just pin me every time you want to make a point.” Catra snarked defensively, avoiding a real response. Melog rumbled at the challenge and sprang suddenly fully pinning her to the ground with their full body weight. “Okay, point made, again. Ready to go to bed?” Catra asked through a yawn. Melog yawned back at her, fully relaxing. “No, not here, doofus,” Catra squirmed under the weight. After a few unsuccessful attempts to shove Melog off Catra’s distress rose enough to shake them out of the shared exhaustion and they quickly stood to allow Catra freedom. 

______________They padded back to Adora, slipping through the shadows and the moonlight as if Melog were activating their cloaking abilities. Catra slid the blanket flap aside and silently sat down next to Adora. The brief change in lighting must have been enough to alert her of Catra’s return. She flopped over so they were facing each other, whispering “you’re sneaky.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Always have been, nice of you to notice” Catra winked, pulling her own blanket up to lay facing Adora. Melog settled between them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I want to notice more about you.” Adora mumbled. Magicat ears or not, slurred and sleepy confessions are difficult to translate so it came across as “I wannossmorbouyu”._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Speak up, dummy.” Catra teased, her tail gently flicking over Adora’s leg. Adora smiled and shook her head once. She drew closer taking Catra’s hand in her own and placing it over her heart. Catra could feel the steady thump with the rise and fall of each breath under her fingertips and any remaining anxiety drained from her body until she was leaning into Adora and purring. Adora placed her hand over Catra’s heart to feel the vibrations rumble through her bones and sighed in contentment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I want you,” Adora finally clarified before giving in to the pull of sleep._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Catra’s breath hitched and her heart clenched. Adora actually wanted her? Not just as the world was ending, but on her own, in peace, when she could walk away, Adora still wanted her. Catra watched her for a few minutes more as Adora’s breathing steadied and her brow lost all traces of stress. She scooted closer and slid her free hand behind Adora’s neck bringing their foreheads together. Once she was sure Adora was asleep, Catra whispered her intentions back, making a promise to the night. “I want you too. For as long as you’ll have me. I won’t leave unless you want me to.” Catra felt Melog nuzzle her legs in affirmation and contentment swept over her with sleep. She drifted off to the steady thump of the heart she would follow to the end of the universe and back, again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am delighted by the response this fic has been getting! I read and cherish every comment and if I can work up the gumption to not worry so much I may start replying.  
> This may be the last update for a minute as I'm getting a procedure done and won't be able to look at a screen for a bit. As soon as I'm back though we're jumping in to space travel, wrapping up some of those emotional loose ends, and exploring more of their relationship.


	6. Brightmoon and the Power Vacuum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad goes to check out Brightmoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guess who's back and can mostly see! Thank you all for your patience and your responses!  
> This chapter is told mostly through Catra's perspective so that we can hear some of her thoughts and get a mark on the way she perceives interactions. 
> 
> Also, what happened to all the clones? Here's my hot take.
> 
> Content warning for Prime flashbacks

Catra opens her eyes slowly to a soft dawn light and pleasant warmth surrounding her. She stretches slightly and startles when she feels the body pressed against her back and the arm draped casually across her stomach. She feels a nose press against her shoulder and her ear flicks back. They’ve cuddled before, but never like this, never exposing their backs to each other. Catra’s heart flutters and turns at the vulnerability.

She feels Adora stir behind her and dread creeps into her heart that Adora didn’t do this intentionally. She shivers and freezes at the sensation, an edge of panic threatening to overwhelm her. 

The desperate, abused part of her wants to leap away while she can and put her back to a wall so she can see anything coming. It wants to strike at and bury the feelings of safety and love before they have a chance to hurt her. It knows that safety is always temporary.

The part of her that longed to be held and to be safe, that wants to be right in trusting, is putting up a fantastic fight and keeping her in place. She inhales and exhales her courage and lands in a stalemate that locks her body. A mixture of frustration and grief that she can’t just accept the moment spikes through her heart and twists her face into a grimace. 

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s just me.” Adora’s sleepy rasp and familiar words cut through her racing thoughts and dull the roar. Adora’s hand tightens around her midsection in what Catra assumes is meant to feel comforting, but only makes her panic flare higher at the sensation of being trapped. Controlled. 

After a moment when Catra doesn’t answer or relax she feels Adora hesitantly shift away from her back. The little bit of space gives Catra the breathing room to move and she manages to clamp down on Adora’s hand that’s just barely clearing her ribs, freezing Adora’s retreat. She doesn’t want to ask for this, that would be too much, but she doesn’t want to lose it, either.

She remains stiff, the tip of her tail twitching erratically. She wants the contact. She just has no idea what to do with it or how to process the new context or put any of this into words. Her ears pin flat to her head in frustration and the hand not holding Adora’s in place clenches into a fist as her eyes close and she lets out a sharp exhale.

Adora untangles her hand from Catra’s and places it on the bedroll in front of them to lift up slightly so she’s no longer touching Catra at all. She can feel Adora studying her and can practically hear the gears turning in her head. Adora asks hesitantly, “do you want me close to you like that? I mean, I want to be close to you, but only if you do too.”

The apprehension gripping Catra’s chest relaxes a bit. She has a choice. She doesn’t even have to ask, she just has to agree. She could say no and prove to herself that she’s safe, but Catra realizes with a pang that she already misses the warmth of having Adora behind her. 

It’s Adora. If she can turn her back safely on anyone, it’s Adora. 

She unclenches her fist and glances behind her to catch Adora worrying her lip between her teeth and scanning Catra for signs she’s crossed a line. The soft morning light gives her a slight halo as it bounces off her hair and Catra’s heart stutters at the image. Despite the worried crease in her brow, there’s hope in Adora’s eyes and Catra feels her own blinking slowly in response. She trusts Adora.

She reaches out to the hand still tented in front of her and twines their fingers together, pulling the hand to her chest and bringing Adora closer.

Adora gasps softly. Gently, slowly she pulls them together so they’re flush to each other. It somehow feels more intimate with how deliberately she moves to fit them together and Catra can feel her face heating up and her heart flutter. 

Adora buries her nose against Catra’s shoulder again with a relieved sigh, her free hand reaching up to massage Catra’s ears and sparking a low rumbling purr. She finally allows herself to relax into the hold and Adora hums happily. The tension drains from the two of them with every in-sync exhale and Catra feels the pull to sleep take over again. 

They both doze in and out until the buzz of energy that comes with restful sleep starts to make Adora fidget and Catra realizes she wants to see Adora more than she wants to be held. She releases Adora’s hand and spins around before she can react so that Adora’s hand is now behind her waist and they’re practically nose-to-nose.

Adora clearly wasn’t expecting the movement and the two are now a lot closer than either of them anticipated. Adora’s eyes widen and a blush very quickly spreads across her cheeks. Her breath hitches and her eyes dart to Catra’s lips before looking back up, pupils just a little bigger than they were a moment ago. 

Catra’s heart jumps at the clear display of _want_. She gives a toothy grin and lowers her eyes. “Hey, Adora” she practically purrs. Catra can feel her pulse racing and reaches out to brush Adora’s bangs out of her eyes. 

Her fingers linger along Adora’s jawline. One small push from her and Adora’s lips would be on hers. Catra can feel the electricity spiking between them, can feel Adora staring at her lips and the way it makes her stomach flip, can feel Adora leaning in and that’s a surprise, her eyes close and – 

“WAKE UP SLEEPY HEADS!” Bow and Glimmer cheer from just outside their makeshift door. 

Catra and Adora both startle at the noise and bump foreheads. Catra lets out an irritated growl and sits up on one arm to glare at the offending voices. 

“I MADE PANCAKES” Bow hollers as a peace offering to the growl. Catra’s ears immediately perk up and her eyes rush from a squint to dilated with a purr. Adora giggles from below her. 

“We’ll be right out, Bow!” She calls with a stretch. All of Catra’s objections fade from thought as she watches Adora’s muscles flex under her shirt when she raises her arms overhead. Catra’s gaze traces along Adora’s arms, watching them flex and release, already reminiscing about being held again. She realizes too late that she’s been caught in the act when she finally makes eye contact and sees Adora’s face has turned obscenely smug with a raised eyebrow. 

“Shut up.” Catra mutters, shoving Adora’s face to the side so she doesn’t have to look at the expression she wants to kiss away. Adora laughs, a little muffled under Catra’s hand, and sits up so they’re eye to eye. Adora reaches out to Catra’s cheek and pulls their foreheads together, nuzzling her nose against Catra’s. Catra can feel how close they are, can feel both of their pulses picking up.

Adora pulls away slightly to kiss Catra on the forehead where they’d bumped into each other. She centers in front of Catra again and glances at her lips, but only glances, reluctantly speaking instead of leaning in. “I want to, but I don’t think I could stop, and then there wouldn’t be any pancakes left, and I’m actually starving.” As if on cue Adora’s stomach gives a low growl.

“You’re such an idiot.” Catra laughs and stands offering her hand to Adora. She pulls Adora upright and saunters off to breakfast rather than risking eye contact. She allows her tail to brush across Adora’s still outstretched hand before she’s out the door. 

Rather than address any of the elephants in the room regarding who had slept with whom last night the best friend squad makes idle chatter about the strategy for the day. In order to go back to space, which all four confirm they want to do, they need to reclaim Brightmoon and reinstate Micah as King. They don’t know what awaits them in the kingdom, but the last status report suggests a clone colony may have taken up residence. 

Bow suggests a diplomatic discussion, Adora thought the team of four could handle a couple clones easily, and Glimmer wanted to teleport in directly. Catra watched the three of them argue while slipping a pancake under the table to Melog. Once Adora and Glimmer started actually arguing she decided it was time to step in. “So this really is how you always plan?”

“More or less.” Bow replies in a way that implies both loving acceptance and nervous exhaustion. “What do you think?” All three of them turn to listen to her. 

Catra shrugs nonchalantly, as if she hasn’t been considering her response since the day prior. “Surveillance? We don’t know how many of them there are, where they’re at, or what they even want. Melog and I can slip in easily and learn more about them.” She feels a great deal of satisfaction as the sheepishness of the table makes it clear she still has the only strategic brain cell in the room.

“Melog and all of us, you mean.” Adora pointedly raises an eyebrow over a mouthful of pancake.

Catra opens her mouth to object, but quickly snaps it shut. She knows it’s safer and easier to maneuver out of trouble as a single person, but after all of the discussion about self-sacrifice the night prior she knows that’s not how Adora would see it if she asked to go alone. She nods curtly and Adora nods back with satisfaction. She shifts her gaze to the other two who seem to have made the same conclusions. They finish eating with nervous anticipation.

After breakfast the four quickly pack their remaining items and stand outside the camp. Glimmer offers her hand to the group and everyone stacks on, Catra last to put her hand in and clearly taking some steadying breaths before placing her hand on Melog and giving a nod. 

The sensation is just as awful as every other time. Her stomach lurches, her head spins, and even behind tightly shut eyes there’s a whirl of color. As soon as she feels solid ground she drops to her hands and knees with a groan. Adora’s hand is immediately on her shoulder giving her an upward and a downward grounding point. Catra shakes her head and almost misses Glimmer’s gasp. She quickly stands and sways for just a moment before her senses finally restore themselves and she can see what Glimmer had already begun to process. 

The Horde clones have taken over Brightmoon. 

Catra can clearly see multiple patrols of them, two at the main entrance, as well as what appears to be activity within the halls as bodies cast shadows over closed windows. She sets her chin with a grim look and nods heavily at the group, placing a hand on Melog. Bow and Glimmer quickly join her, but Adora stands apart with her feet planted. It isn’t until she raises her hand in front of her and begins the familiar call to arms that they realize too late she’s attempting to summon She-Ra. “Adora, no!” Catra hisses, but the light is already spreading. 

Catra watches as vibrant flashes of ethereal energy immediately give away not only their position, but also who is with them. Her ear flicks back as she hears a warning alarm and all of the hair along her body stands up. None of it because the goddess she’s in love with is now standing in front of her with a cocky grin. No, that would be unprofessional in a battle environment. 

Adora’s confident smile quickly fades as she scans her friends. “What? I didn’t want to risk giving us away in the castle.”

Catra quickly throws her hand over her eyes and forces the affection she feels to not bleed into her voice. “Adora, you just sent up magical light a mile high. I’m pretty sure they know you’re here now.” 

“Wait you guys can see the lights too?” Adora asks, genuinely bewildered, and Catra fights off a smile. _The situation is serious, but how can you not love someone that earnest?_

Any answer to her question is cut off by a laser blast hitting a tree nearby. They spin around to see a small handful of bots emerge from the forest. “Oh look, surveillance.” Glimmer cracks dryly and pointedly at Catra. One arrow, one magic blast, one sword swipe, and one forceful removal of circuitry via claws later, the group is once again alone in the clearing. 

Not for long though, if the sounds Catra’s picking up are correct. She gestures frantically for Melog to cloak everyone and they suddenly disappear into outlines just as a patrol of two clones enters the clearing. Bow takes down one with a trapping arrow and Catra smashes the chip on another. Even when disconnected from the hive mind she knows the chip is a sensitive place to get hit. Her own neck throbs at the memory but she shakes the sensation off and focuses on the captured clone that Glimmer is standing over. 

“Who do you work for?” _Cliché_ , Catra thinks as Glimmer continues regally, “Horde Prime is gone, there’s no need to continue this.”

“We are here to continue to cast out the shadows and bring in the light to Etheria.” Catra feels herself fluff up a little at the wording, but manages to brush it off with a quick shake. “We saw through the connection as Lord Prime was freed from our brother and we seek to bring more of that light to the universe.” The clone is positively brimming with excitement to be able to tell new potential followers about their goals. Catra catches Glimmer’s eyes and finds the same suppressed fear reflected back at her. 

Catra shakes off the lingering dread and eyes the clone almost casually. “‘Bring more light?’ By what, banishing more evil Horde overlords? We can do that.” Catra grins and extends her claws to remind the clone and herself that she’s a threat. 

“No, sister.” Catra recoils with a small disgusted hiss and beside her Melog finally turns fully red, both of which the clone completely ignores as he carries on with a smile. “We know the essence and teachings of Lord Prime are still correct. He suffered in being cast out and has now reached final ascension. We know he looks over us from beyond. All beings must suffer to become pure and now he is the most pure of us all!” 

_“All beings must suffer to become pure, all beings must suffer to become pure,”_

_“all… suffer, suffer. Suffer!” The chanting fades as the liquid covers her ears, but she can feel the cadence of it racing through her blood as if she can still hear it._

_“Suffer, suffer, suffer!” it’s become her heartbeat now._

_The water’s all around her, she can’t breathe. Her world is on fire, but it keeps getting darker. She can’t move even as panic rages through her blood._

_There’s a sharp pain at the back of her neck and then everything is quiet. She senses Prime moving through her thoughts, her memories. Rage, grief, and a deep longing that feels like a chasm in her chest threaten to rip her apart as he picks through her life._

_“You loved her, then?” Her heart seizes for a moment before she feels a wave of involuntary relief wash over her. It feels synthetic and dirty, but oddly comforting, like a warm and silted river. She is unable to resist the emotion it wants to invoke._

_“You have done well, little sister. You have found your place here. No more suffering. No more wanting. No more waiting. No more of your… Adora. You are free.”_

_With each phrase Prime utters another wave of the calming chemicals hits her brain. The first truly peaceful grin of her lifetime crosses Catra’s face and some distant part of her wants to scream at what caused it. She thinks some part of her might be._

“Wait, do you mean Hordak?” Glimmer interrupts the clone’s rambling. Her voice is so dissonant to the flashback that Catra finds herself almost violently back in the present. To her left she feels Adora hovering a hand behind Catra’s back and keeping an eye on Melog, bristling red and laying down with drooped ears on her right. Catra stands ram-rod straight, the only other indication of her fear showing in a slight swish of her tail that is too controlled to be anything relaxed. She evens out her breathing and takes stock of her facial expression. Carefully she relaxes her eyes and jaw forcing her face to something eerily neutral and feeling the emotion she’s hiding settle in her stomach instead. Everything will be fine, she just needs to get through this without anyone acknowledging that anything happened.

Adora places her hand on Catra’s back and Catra feels her anger spike along with her fur. She shrugs Adora off and ignores the guilt that joins the fear and anger gnawing at her insides when she sees Adora’s face fall in concern. Catra folds her arms over her stomach and her ears go flat as she closes her eyes with a grimace, her mind warring amid the conversation continuing around her.

“Yes! He was the host for our exalted’s ascension!” The clone effuses while Catra turns inward, _I went through torture for her and did I ever get a thank you?_ “He is the most pure form of Horde Prime,” _does Adora even understand what it was like all of those years apart? How much it hurt me?_ “He has been given a name and an identity.” _It wasn’t about you, she didn’t know._ “We follow his command!” _That’s the problem, though, isn’t it?_

“Of course.” Catra snarls. “Bow, can we leave him tied up here? We have bigger fish to fry.” She gestures dismissively at the clone and spins on her heel to stalk off without waiting for a response. 

When the group catches up a few minutes later, she can feel Adora hovering behind her. She knows Melog is avoiding Adora too, making her internal conflict available for the world to see. _Stupid clone with his stupid beliefs. I don’t want to be angry, but I don’t know how to let go of this. I just want to get this mission over with._ Her shoulders hunch further in irritation and she knows she’s practically stomping through the woods. All of Brightmoon already knows they’re here, why bother being discrete? 

As if on cue, she hears a twig snap on her right and reaches out instinctively to catch the chest of a clone stepping toward her. She digs her claws in just enough to demonstrate she’s not in the mood and he raises his hands quickly, dropping his stun baton. She can feel him gulp under her fingertips and she hates that the demonstration of power is still exciting. He stutters quickly, “um, yes, hello. You’re not supposed to be here…”

“Where’s Hordak.” Catra demands. 

“I can’t tell you that?” The clone sounds unsure as to if he could be persuaded otherwise. Catra narrows her eyes both for intimidation and against the light of the magical forces that are now flanking her. 

“I can tell you that.” The clone amends. “Throne room. Lots of guards.” He’s nodding frantically and pointing awkwardly toward the castle without letting his arms drop. Catra nods and releases him, turning to continue their trek. When she hears no movement behind her she pauses and turns around to watch as Bow lashes the clone’s hands together and sits him down against a tree with the stun baton out of reach. 

“Too tight?” Bow checks with the clone. He responds with a bewildered headshake. “You don’t seem the type to fire when we turn our backs, but safety first, ya know?” Bow grins cheerfully at the clearly distressed clone. 

“Are you… are you always this kind to prisoners?” The clone asks with a trembling voice.

“Actually, yes. He tried to recruit me to the rebellion while I was still a force captain in the Horde.” Adora teases with a soft elbow to Bow’s ribs.

The clone’s eyes light up, “people from the Horde can join the rebellion?” 

“They can if they make the right choices and prove they’re trustworthy.” Bow smiles kindly and pointedly at Catra with a nod. She appreciates the gesture, but there’s too much warring within her for a meaningful response. Bow’s smile fades to a look of concern as he studies her a little more carefully and Catra fights to keep her face neutral. Both are startled out of the eye contact when the clone bursts into tears.

“I don’t want to be with the Horde anymore!” He sobs. “Horde Prime was wrong and angry and evil and this planet is nice and warm and I want to know more about it but every time I try to visit a village I get yelled at and people chase me away!” He’s practically wailing and the group collectively winces, reminiscing on Wrong Hordak’s similar revelations. “I want to be trustworthy! Please, how do I prove my worth? I don’t know how without the hive mind!” There’s snot coming out of his nose and Catra can’t quite take the display of weakness. 

She turns away as Bow crouches in front of him offering a napkin. Glimmer kneels beside him and the two begin speaking gently about inspirational social reform, the powers of good and love, and the changing political environments of Etheria. As cheesy as it is, they play well off each other, Catra admits.

Adora appears to be attentively listening, no doubt trying to learn how to defuse these situations herself and actually paying attention to the political conversation. Catra shrugs and leans against a tree by the path, taking the moment as an opportunity to center herself. 

She takes deep, deliberate breaths and feels the rough bark against her skin even through her fur and clothes. She focuses on the scent of the forest around her and the sounds of words rather than their meanings. Once she feels back to the emotional place where Melog is usually blue she peeks open an eye to check if she did it right. Melog looks back at her, blue, and a bit blunt. 

_“Adora can’t know things you don’t tell her.”_ Their rumbles are quiet, but stern. Catra’s ears go back and she looks away from Melog, which turns out to be mistake because she makes eye contact with Adora instead. Her heart thumps involuntarily both out of guilt and love. 

_“She is learning and trying, just like you.”_ Melog gently butts their head against Catra’s thigh and she absent-mindedly scratches their ears while still looking at Adora. _“Neither of you can change the past, no matter how much it hurts. Don’t let it ruin the present.”_ Melog mewls the last bit a little louder as if that might make Catra understand better. She looks down with a scoff, but Melog’s already padding away from her. They circle Adora who looks down at Melog with surprise and delight and immediately drops to better embrace and pet the space cat.

“Traitor.” Catra mumbles. Adora looks up at her with a smile somehow equal parts relieved and worried. Catra glances down to Melog purring contentedly in Adora’s still She-Ra’d arms and feels an odd flash of jealousy. 

_“This could be you.”_ Melog taunts and Catra feels her tail bush out in indignation along with an immediate blush. Adora watches the exchange with a quick snort laugh and despite herself, Catra feels her shoulders and heart soften. 

Adora gives a final pat to Melog and stands, making eye contact with Catra. Her eyes do that same idiotic thing they’ve been doing since Catra came back from Horde Prime’s ship. Catra’s brow scrunches in response and Adora only smiles wider with a little knowing shake of her head. It’s then that it dawns on Catra, again. That look is love. _Love_. Capital L Love. She feels a warm thrill run through her and returns Adora’s soft smile. 

“I know it’s complicated, but once we get going it will all be worth it!” Bow and Glimmer cheer at the look of awe on the clone’s face and stand at the same time, cutting off the electric eye contract between Catra and Adora. “We should continue on if we’re going to make it to the castle in time to reclaim it for dinner.” Bow pushes through the group and leads the charge toward Brightmoon with newfound enthusiasm. Glimmer makes eye contact with Catra as she passes, raising an eyebrow in silent question. Catra nods to let her know that she’s good, the flashbacks have passed. Glimmer lays a quick hand on her shoulder before marching off to catch Bow. 

Adora pulls alongside her as they walk and gently bumps their arms together. It would be a much more playful gesture if she weren’t currently eight feet tall. Catra bumps Adora back with a little extra force and feels a sense of satisfaction when She-Ra stumbles. Adora chuckles and they walk in a comfortable silence behind Bow and Glimmer who are wrapped up in their own conversation. 

Catra brushes Adora’s side with her tail and starts to feel her chest easing up and new warmth in her blood when Adora smiles fondly at her for it. She wants this ease between them, she doesn’t want to be angry anymore. She knows they need to talk about it at some point, but for now Catra’s content just to be in the moment. 

As if sensing her tranquility Adora breaks the moment. “If you don’t want to be around more of these clones you don’t have to keep going. It’s okay and we understand.” Her expression is so open and earnest. It’s unfortunate that’s not a choice Catra wants to have right now.

Catra snorts and tries to deflect the offer, refusing to admit the exchange had gotten to her or that she might not be up for this assignment. “Always have to be so noble, huh Adora?”

Adora flexes the arm holding her sword with a big smile, “I mean, I am a knight in actual armor.”

“This is definitely fabric, but okay.” Catra pokes at the muscle, and at Adora’s abs, just to clarify her point.

Adora scoffs, “the shoulder pads and wrist guards are metal!”

“Yeah, sure, but you have pretty much nothing else protecting you. You’re barely wearing more armor than the man in a crop top.” Catra folds her arms with a smug grin.

“Heard that!” Bow calls back to them and the two share a grin, though Adora still looks like she wants to challenge the banter. Catra can almost physically feel as Adora carefully scans her body from head to toe. Her arms slide down to a comforting hold and her tail lashes in anticipation. There’s a little shiver she’s not sure how to interpret from the gesture.

“So. You’re not wearing _any_ armor.” At least, Catra’s pretty sure the last word was armor. She shakes off the heat in her face and refocuses on the unspoken challenge behind those words.

“I’m too quick to need it, dummy.” Catra grins and pokes Adora’s ribs, smoothly darting away from her reach. “Besides, I’m not the one who goes rushing head first into battle.” 

“You literally dove through the group at Melog.” Glimmer calls back. Catra scowls at the interruption and Glimmer decides to drive her point in further. “You also ran directly into fire for Adora.”

“Special occasion and I’d do it again. What’s your point?” Catra retorts haughtily. Glimmer shrugs with a toothy grin and turns back to her conversation with Bow.

“Okay, fine.” Adora amends through a giggle. “Maybe you don’t need armor. But, I don’t either. I’m She-Ra!” Adora’s grin could blind grateful villagers as she casually places her sword across her broad shoulders to further the image. 

Catra considers her response carefully. She glances across Adora’s un-armored body, her open body language, the way she’s not looking around them at all times. Her claws flex and retract and her ears go back at the memories imprinted along her fingers. She knows how vulnerable even She-Ra can be. 

Catra’s eyes settle momentarily on the heart over Adora’s chest. A symbol, a life-force… a target in the wrong hands. 

Catra takes a deep breath and meets Adora’s gaze with a look of sudden solemnity. “You are She-Ra, but you’re not invincible, Adora.” 

Adora’s grin buckles and a frown crosses her eyebrows. “I know.” She drops the sword back down to her side. Her free hand moves to rub at her back and she winces as if she’s trying to make something relax. 

Catra places her palm over Adora’s hand and the almost frantic motion stills. Adora looks at her with a slight gasp and Catra slides her fingers between Adora’s, lowering their hands and gently running her thumb along the back of Adora’s hand. 

“You’re also not alone” she reminds her with a soft squeeze and a nod at the couple ahead of them. It’s an acknowledgement of her new friends, an unspoken promise, and a reminder of the vows they’d made what felt like lifetimes ago. Adora squeezes her hand back and they share a soft smile. 

The group carries on with minimal conversation from there and quickly reaches the castle with no further interruptions. Outside the castle doors two clones stand guard. The one on the left raises his weapon in warning while the one on the right demands their reason for approaching. 

“I am Queen Glimmer, this is my castle.” Glimmer gestures to the building behind them with an air of authority.

“This castle was abandoned and has been seized in the name of Lord Hordak for the protection of the Clones of Prime.” The one on the right states formally, disinterestedly. Glimmer huffs and Bow steps forward.

“Parlay?” He asks with a grin. The two look at him in confusion.

“Ugh, Bow.” Catra rolls her eyes and steps up beside him, calling out to the two clones. “It’s pirate code, we want to meet with Hordak.”

“Lord Hordak.” The clone on the left corrects gruffly. Catra narrows her eyes at him and is about to retort when the one on the right sneers, “why would we listen to this… ‘pirate code’?” _That’s a good question_ Catra thinks, turning to Bow with a raised eyebrow.

“I mean, you’re kind of space pirates now, right? Your ruler is gone and now you’ve forged a bond with your fellow clones!” Bow raises a fist, his words taking on some of Seahawks tendencies. “You’ve captured land, you’re in foreign territory and from what I hear you’re not well liked in town. Pirate code is a set of laws for people who are living outside the law, but still need to be held accountable to something.” Bow gestures triumphantly despite the less than enthusiastic look the clones share. 

“We just want to talk.” Adora steps forward and the clones eyes sweep her height and sword, then carefully scan the rest of the group. A long moment of silence passes as the guards wait for them to leave and the group makes it clear they don’t intend to back down. 

The one on the right finally sighs and grates out with a gesture at Bow and Adora, “if you are only here to talk you must drop your weapons. Then you will be permitted to enter.” Catra feels a small twinge of panic at the requirement. Even without the protection of She-Ra Adora tends to make the same dumb heroic attempts. Catra glances at Adora, the worry clear on her face. 

Bow nods after a quick check with Glimmer and removes his bow and quiver, stashing them to the side of the entrance. Adora lays a reassuring hand on Catra’s shoulder, glancing at Catra’s claws with a subtle nod. _You look out for me and I look out for you._ Catra’s right ear flicks and she squares her shoulders, accepting Adora’s trust. Adora de-transforms with a flash of light and the guards nod and turn to open the doors. 

Adora leans in as they walk up the steps to whisper in Catra’s ear, “we worked with Seahawk, why do you know pirate code?”

Catra chuckles softly, “when we went to attack Salineas the first time Scorpia wouldn’t shut up about it. She said it was covered in Force Captain Orientation and I was missing out on ‘vital sea culture’.” Catra raises her hands in air quotes and actually laughs as she continues, “I’m pretty sure every other sentence was pirate code from her on that trip. I don’t speak it, I just understand it.” Adora smiles at her, laughing along with the story, and the two step over the threshold of the castle together.

Inside they are escorted to the throne room where Hordak is lounging in a chair far too elegant for any setting Catra has ever seen him in. She snorts at the image of a dainty Hordak and is about to cut in with a scathing remark when she hears Glimmer release a choked scream. “Get. Out. Of. MY MOTHER’S. CHAIR.” 

Hordak, to his credit, stands swiftly. His armor gleams in the light of the throne room and Catra can see that he’s been retrofitted with a compromise between first ones tech and the white uniform of Horde Prime. Traces of purple create intricate designs and relays across his body from the first ones tech embedded in his chest. 

Glimmer’s fists light up casting a pink glow across the rest of the white. It’s clearly taking every ounce of political restraint Glimmer possesses to not light him up on the spot. Political restraint, and Bow whispering in her ear with a placating hand on her shoulder. Not to hold her back, just to give a sense of grounding. 

Hordak considers the situation before him unflinchingly. His voice when he speaks is filled with new confidence and power, “you may want to take a look around, Queen Glimmer. You are in no position to threaten me.” He raises a single eyebrow along with his hand to gesture at the room around them. From the balconies and terraces many clones suddenly step forward, weapons drawn. 

Catra can almost hear the appreciative whistle from the little Scorpia that lives in her mind; it’s a fairly large gathering. 

Catra chuckles both at the welcome memory and the predictability of the situation. “Still need to hide behind others, huh, Hordak?” Catra steps slightly in front of Glimmer and crosses her arms, shrugging her shoulders at the literal army accumulating around them. “We’re just here for the castle.”

“Catra.” He narrows his eyes and the two stare at each other for a moment. “And where do you propose we go? We are unwelcome anywhere else.” Hordak sneers as if this is obvious.

Bow steps up beside Catra and waves at Hordak. “We actually thought we’d give everyone the chance at a clean slate. We plan to set up refuge camps and to place an official decree that former Horde members are cleared of all charges committed during the war provided that they commit no further crimes. We know the villages will take time to accept you, and we have places on castle grounds you can stay until then.” He glances slyly back at Glimmer whose narrowed eyes and glowing fists are yet to back down, “that is, provided you don’t attack us now and that you leave immediately. This is your official notice and chance at amnesty.”

Hordak looks dubiously between the two, as if the offer has to be a trap. Catra decides to clarify, walking up to Hordak and speaking softly so that not all of the clones will catch her words, “look, I get it. You got the castle, you got an army, you won against Prime. It’s everything you worked for. You’ve finally ‘proven yourself’, right?” Catra shakes her head and gestures from the throne to Glimmer, “this isn’t how power has to work. You can lead without hurting people, you don’t have to be like him.” Hordak’s eyes narrow and Catra barrels on before she loses him, “you don’t have to steal or conquer anything to be respected. We both know it’s not what you really want anyway.” Catra glances down at the first ones tech embedded in his chest and he looks away with a grimace. 

After a moment Hordak brings his fist to his chest tapping twice at the tech with a nod. He sweeps the room and seems to finally notice that Adora is with them. His eyes widen, narrow, and then relax. They share a weighted look. One between a parental guardian who failed to protect, and a child now grown that learned self worth from other’s hands.

Adora’s voice rings clearly and kindly, unknowingly echoing Catra’s sentiments, “you can be more than this, Hordak.”

He relaxes almost as if she’s given him permission to do so. “Very well, She-Ra.” He nods at an ecstatic Bow, “I accept your terms.”

 _“She-Ra?”_ An enraged clone calls out from their left, closest to Adora. “My lord, you cannot be serious!” He sneers at Adora with disgust.

Hordak growls and clenches a fist at the insolence. He glances back at Adora, then at Catra, and finally down at his fist. He carefully lowers it and tries to sound passively interested. “No? Why not?” 

“She destroyed Horde Prime! She must pay for her actions!” The still enraged clone looks around the room and calls out for support, “cast out the shadows, bring in the light!” Three in the room genuinely echo his sentiment, but the majority either don’t respond or respond very unenthusiastically. The lack of perfect echo is enough to keep Catra grounded in the moment though she still feels fear creep up her spine. She sees a similar shudder run through Hordak and finds a bit of solidarity between them in it. 

Hordak grits his teeth at the clone in what might be an attempt at a smile. “You are mistaken, brother. She-Ra freed me, and all of us. She has given us the chance to prove our worth on our own.” 

The assembled crowd of clones murmurs in agreement, seeming to only further the first clone’s rage. “If you won’t do it I’ll do it myself!” He shouts and raises his arm canon. 

Catra hears the sound of multiple arm canons being charged and quickly scans the room in alarm. Three clones in different locations seem to agree and all have their weapons trained on Adora.

"Adora!" Catra calls out, processing the angles of attack even as she’s sprinting toward Adora

"Catra, no!" Adora calls out as she drops into a defensive stance bracing against the obvious attack on her left. Catra's practically leaping for speed, she's not stopping now. Her eyes narrow in determination and the world slows down.

She hears the bolts fire just as she makes contact with Adora’s midsection. 

She feels something hit her squarely in the back and pain lights up her nerves. 

She’s briefly aware of a lot of rainbow color flooding her vision.

She feels Adora grunt as they hit the ground.

Then everything goes black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the important parts of coming out of abuse is being able to recognize the little moments along with the big moments and what you need from each. It's a long journey and outside of direct interaction with Shadow Weaver we don't see much of that from Catra in the show. I thought that's something else that should be addressed, especially for the coming chapters focusing on Adora's mindset and how they play off each other.
> 
> As always if you'd like to come talk to me about this or She-Ra in general I'm on tumblr as u/allthingsadora. 
> 
> Spoiler for next chapter: suspension of disbelief is great but also anxiety sucks so: no, she's not dead or going to have a lasting injury.


	7. Glimmer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An interception saves the day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, this chapter and the next kept stealing parts from each other. Which means good news the next chapter is partially written! But bad news this chapter ended up with a lot of the angst. **Content warnings:** panic attacks, scars, wound treatment, mentions of child abuse, mentions of ignored abuse.  
> Your own mental health always takes priority so please read safely.

Adora feels the light of She-Ra taking over before she hits the ground. With the impact she feels Catra sag against her with a groan. Her left arm comes up instinctively to cradle Catra and she’s barely surprised to see her shield is already formed. 

Something violent and furious and aching bubbles from within and Adora stands with a roar to the full might of She-Ra, carefully holding Catra in her arms and keeping the shield in front of them both. Her eyes crackle with electricity and power as she zeroes in on the clone that lead the charge against her. 

"Drop your weapons. Now.” She-Ra commands and there is no room for disagreement. Around the room the weapons fall. 

At the sound of the cannons powering down, Catra curls against her, her breathing turning shallow and her shoulders falling limp. Adora feels her heart kick into her throat as she looks down at Catra’s face, her eyes squeezed shut and her brow tight. She’s seen Catra make it through worse injuries in training and logically she knows this isn’t fatal, but her breath, the position, the facial expression are all so familiar that Adora slips from the present moment. Her world slows as she strains to catch Catra’s pulse, terrified she’ll be back in the moment on Prime’s ship.

She feels static flood her veins, cold, lifeless, guilt-ridden. Every moment she’d ever held Catra through an injury burns across her skin and Adora feels a sick swoop through her stomach at just how many of them there are. The rage disappears into a fog of guilt. Numbness overrides the ache in her muscles to take action, to fight, to avenge. Adora swallows her heart and feels it settle heavily in her stomach, her shoulders sagging slightly. She looks slowly up at the clone that started the attack. He’s not the problem. Not really.

A single word slips quietly past her lips before her brain can register it over the static in her mind and with it comes a sense of clarity. “Why?” 

She feels the room freeze around her. Tears threaten in her eyes and in that moment the goddess-like form of She-Ra has never looked smaller, more human. The clone’s ears perk and he has the audacity to look pleased.

“You were offered a chance at peace. You were offered the ability to start a new life.” Adora’s voice cracks, “Why. How are you not tired of all of this?” 

The clone she’s staring down blinks in surprise and looks frantically around the room for support. Finding none as the clones nearby look away his ears twitch and Adora can see him contemplating his next move. To back down would be an act of cowardice, but to stick to it is death. The clone looks back at She-Ra, looks down at the tail drooped over Adora’s arm, and smirks. 

Adora eyes narrow, rage simmering back to life at the nerve, and her shield glows threateningly. The clone squares his shoulders and brings his fists firmly to his side. His smile disappears into a mask of perfect neutrality, unafraid and ready to accept his fate. The posturing is sleight, easily missed, and so deeply engrained that Adora feels the air stutter inside her chest. One move and she sees every cadet she grew up with standing at attention in front of Shadow Weaver for something arbitrary and meaningless. 

She takes a sharp breath and shakes her head once. “I am not the Horde, and you are not disposable.” She nods at the two clones beside him and they take the hint, firmly grasping his arms in the beginning of an arrest. “What you did was wrong and you will answer for it, but that’s not for me to decide here, like this.” 

The clone’s ears fall flat and he bares his teeth, struggling briefly against the hold until the realization that he’s not walking away from his decision sets in. He looks up in horror and Adora nods at him with a rueful smirk. “It’s easier to die, isn’t it? Then you don’t have to live with what you’ve done.” 

Catra huffs and stills in her arms. Adora glances down to the sweaty and bleeding cat-girl that jumped in front of a laser bolt for her. Catra’s weight starts to shift and Adora realizes she’s slipping out of consciousness. Without looking back up Adora pointedly turns her back on the clone, keeping the shield in front of them, and strides away. The buzz of conversation envelops the room and it takes all of Adora’s willpower to remain in her She-Ra form as panic threatens to set in.

As Adora passes her Glimmer catches her elbow and leans up to catch Adora’s attention. “It wasn’t your fault.” They both glance down at Catra and She-Ra’s form flickers once. If Glimmer hadn’t felt the change under her hand she’d have assumed she blinked. She gasps and Adora’s jaw tightens further, confirming her suspicions. “Adora…” 

“She needs medical attention.” The flatness of Adora’s voice leaves no room for argument and she refuses to meet Glimmer’s eye, staring straight ahead. 

The queen nods, “we can handle this. I’m going to check on you later and let you know what happens.” Adora finally looks down and Glimmer almost breaks at the desperate, pleading look she’s met with. She squeezes Adora’s arm and lets her go, aware that the break down coming should not be public let alone in front of former enemies. Adora practically lunges for the door, flickering again as she passes through. 

As soon as she’s past where the clones can see her she breaks into a sprint, grateful for once for the oddly empty halls. In record time she’s back in her old room. She hasn’t set foot inside since they abandoned Brightmoon during the initial invasion of Prime months ago. Nothing and everything is different, but Adora barely registers any of it. 

Adora lays Catra on her old bed with her back facing her. The Horde-issue clothes she’d been wearing did their job at deflecting the majority of the blast and keeping her major organs safe, but the section she’d cut out to remove the old insignia revealed singed, cracked, and deeply bruised skin instead of fur directly along her spine. The wound pulses with Catra’s heartbeat and Adora knows it has to be painful. She winces, swallows hard, takes a deep breath, and does her best to stay in the moment so that she can heal her. Catra needs her to do this. She can do this. 

Catra’s not going to die… Again.

Adora feels the energy of She-Ra stutter as she watches Catra’s shallow breaths. 

_“You must be calm and in a place of healing to do this”_ Shadow Weaver’s voice creeps into her mind unprompted, unwelcome, and obscenely maternal and Adora bites back a yelp. The magic she’d been gathering fizzles out entirely and ice grips her spine. The condescension practically drips from the voice tutting at her from beyond the grave _“Pathetic. You abandoned your mission to heal her and you can’t even do that.”_

Adora closes her eyes against the intrusion and sees Catra, young, small, hiding another electricity burn because she and Adora got caught playing.

Adora shakes off the memory and opens her eyes to Catra’s uneven breaths and marred back, a reminder that this never ends.

Adora shuts her eyes and Catra screams as electricity courses through her body sending her plummeting head first into the abyss. 

Adora gasps and opens her eyes, She-Ra flooding away from her grasp as panic seizes her body. Adora’s hands shake and she drops to her knees beside the bed struggling to breathe, her hands clasped above her and her head draped toward her knees as if pleading with her thoughts and the universe to stop. Her world collapses and she feels every second where she can’t pull herself together slip through her fingers, feels the oppressive nature of a room that once felt safe, hears every breath Catra takes reminding her that this should not be an option right now. She grits her teeth and fights to be able to move. “Not now, not now, not now! This can’t happen now. I need to heal her!” 

Ever the opportunist Shadow Weaver creeps back in, _“you are a warrior, Adora. You must be able to function under all circumstances. She makes you weak, worthless.”_

Adora barely registers the rest of the speech, her body suddenly finding purpose at the idea of functioning under orders. She may not be able to heal as She-Ra, but the small medical kit Adora keeps in her room is enough to stabilize the bleeding and calm the burn. 

Adora stands numbly and watches herself dig through her drawers for the medical kit more than she actually experiences it. Kit in hand, she slams back into her body as soon as she realizes she’ll have to touch Catra to treat the wound. Adora feels another round of tremors coming on and sets her chin. She steadies her right hand with her left and begins to cut away the fabric revealing more of the injury. 

The moment is eerily familiar and again Adora finds herself back in the Frightzone. Lasers, blunt objects, claws, electricity, the Horde motivates and punishes in many ways. Adora had always known that Catra bore the brunt of the so called ‘physical discipline training’ that everyone knew was just another word for abuse, but to see the parallel in a place she’d called safe for years dug the knife deeper into her stomach. She’d had time to forget about these things. Catra had not. How much had she suffered in the Horde when Adora left? How many times did she treat herself alone? …. what if it had gotten worse? “I’m sorry.” She whispers, ghosting over the wound without touching it. “I’m so sorry.” Her voice breaks and she curls her hands to fists along the bedside to pause their shaking. “This is all my fault. I have to do this, and it’s going to hurt.” 

With that her brain opens its internal textbook to the chapter on laser blast wounds and begins the entirely too familiar treatments. While the exposed section and spinal location makes the injury a bit more severe, fundamentally the concepts are the same and Adora finds the majority of her brain occupied in steadying her hands to apply the gels and antiseptics needed. 

Intrusive thoughts float by like sharks past an underwater dome. Buried deep under pressure, surrounded by dark sea, the thoughts brush hungrily against her mental barrier and Adora feels all the more determined to ignore them and complete her task. It doesn’t matter what happens to her after, Catra needs Adora now. She presses on. 

With the final gauze bandage firmly taped in place Adora moves around the bed to sit facing Catra. Twilight shadows cast a warm glow around the room with the setting sun and Adora’s heart stutters at the freckles dusting Catra’s face. Hesitantly she reaches out to brush the bangs from Catra’s eyes under the guise of checking her temperature and pulse. Her breathing has steadied considerably and with the methodical movements of Adora rubbing in the painkillers and other topical treatments it looks like she’s fallen asleep. Some things don’t change. Catra snores lightly and Adora manages a small, wistful smile. 

Her fingers trace the freckles she can still see as the shadows of the room elongate. Every heartbeat they share reminds her that this is safety and that safety is temporary. She feels the dome beginning to crack and savors the feeling of Catra’s fur under her fingertips for one more moment. Catra’s safe. Adora doesn’t want to risk waking her, especially in the states they’re both in. She knows it would be selfish to stay in contact. She reluctantly withdraws her hand and feels the burning sensation of her scars jumping to life in its place. 

Adora sinks from the bed to the floor, closes her eyes, presses her hand to her chest and her head to her knees, and then there is nothing left to keep the pressure and predators at bay. The dome shatters.

 _“Her safety is your responsibility. What are you worth to her if you always put her in danger?”_ Shadow Weavers voices hisses. It’s a familiar argument and this time Adora doesn’t have an answer. When they were younger she and Catra had vowed to stay together through the end of the world, to always look out for each other, to be each other’s family and home. There was always danger and pain; Adora just did what she could to be a source of love and safety. It didn’t change anything.

The scars along Adora’s back, face, and thigh pulse with reminders of every time she failed to protect Catra. Of every time she walked away or put duty first. Of every moment of retribution that Adora would gladly repeat a thousand times over if it meant Catra could vent her anger, could settle the score. If it meant she would be safe.

Adora shudders, breaths ragged. Working desperately to stay quiet she bites down on her hand and muffles a sob. Adora knew what it was like to fail entirely. Catra died with Prime. She died because Adora failed to protect her even with all the might of She-Ra and all the love her body could hold. 

Unreliable She-Ra, unreliable Adora. 

She was in danger when I was in the Horde, she was in danger when I left, she was in danger when we got her back, and she’s willingly risked her life for me at least four times now since she got the chance to live again. 

Even if she loves me, Adora’s heart stutters at the thought, I can’t be home. I’m not safety. Physically or emotionally. What happens when another Prime shows up? What if there are more planet weapons from the first ones in this galaxy? What happens if I have to sacrifice myself again? I can’t ask that of her. I can’t ask her to stand through that again and I can’t guarantee it won’t happen. 

She deserves more than I can give her. No matter how much I want to give her my world, there will always be a world of people who need protecting. As long as I’m She-Ra I’m bound to that duty.

Adora looks down at her hands and feels her eyes glow, the sword sparking to life. She scoffs down at the offending object, “oh, so now you appear. Bet you still can’t heal because I’m too _conflicted_.” The sword sputters out and Adora feels the magic ebb again. “Seems like you agree though.” 

Adora feels bone deep weariness wash over her temporarily calming the burn from the scars to a steady ache. Decision made, she stands without protest. Adora walks to the desk and pulls open the drawer she’d kept locked 23 of the 24 hours each day for the last three years. Her hands brush over the stack of letters inside and she pulls three to the top, no longer in order. 

Her fingers brush the name scrawled along the front of the one on top and she feels her heart kick desperately against the stoic resolution of her mind. She shakes her head slowly, “it’s not about what I want.” 

_“Even if it isn’t possible, it matters to me what you want, Adora.”_ Catra’s voice echoes through her mind and Adora stills. She looks over her shoulder at Catra sleeping on her bed and her heart warms stubbornly against the cold shoulder her mind seems set on. Everything within her begs to slide under the covers with Catra and forget about the world. Adora humors the idea, taking a single step toward her, away from the drawer. It shifts her perspective enough to see the bandages framing Catra’s back, the staggered breaths, the tail tip twitching through stress dreams and the illusion shatters. 

Adora squares her shoulders and brings her fists to her sides accepting responsibility for what she’s done. She stiffly spins to face the desk again. She grips the desk and whispers so her heart will understand, “I can’t risk asking her to make those sacrifices anymore. Now I know she’d do it.” Adora returns the letters to the drawer and pulls out a fresh sheet of paper and a quill in their stead. 

By the time she finishes writing the sun has fully set and the page in front of her is riddled with lines crossed through and tear marks studding the edges of the page from where she couldn’t quite move her face quickly enough. She’d prefer a more formal letter, something that doesn’t look quite so desperate and emotional, but without anymore light this will have to do. 

Adora sets down the quill and makes sure the letter is visible from the bed. She gathers what she needs in her backpack, checks Catra’s wounds and that she’s still sound asleep, and leaves without looking back. 

At least, not until she closes the door behind her and leans her forehead against it. Every fiber in her body is screaming to go back, to be with Catra. She’s almost annoyed that she can’t seem to follow through, that she’s being so weak. She doesn’t want to do this, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to do it anyway. 

Adora feels a nudge against her legs and startles. She looks down to see Melog nuzzling thigh. She’d forgotten about them during the chaos of the battle and Adora feels another layer of guilt wondering how long they were out here for. 

Adora’s legs collapse and she hugs the magic being with everything she can muster hoping some of it, any of it, will transfer to Catra when she leaves. Melog rumbles and chirps against her and Adora knows they want her to stay. But Melog is an extension of Catra, not an all knowing being, and one of them needs to make the right decision. 

Adora stands, opens the door without looking in, and ushers Melog to lay with Catra. She brushes the tears from her eyes and closes the door once more, glancing in just long enough to see Melog tilt their head in confusion, ears back, shoulders small, tail limp. Every bit the image of the Catra she left behind three years ago.

This time Adora’s leaving her in safety.

She closes the door and begins to walk.

Adora makes it a few hallways before her vision is swimming with so many tears that her teeth ache from keeping them at bay. Grief sinks her heart while determination and fear flood her veins. Her heart, tired of being ignored, quickly wins and Adora’s steps grind to a halt. She sinks into an empty chair, giving in to the visions tugging at her conscience. 

_“Hey, Adora.” The voice calls to her and Adora is home. She’s could be in space, on a foreign planet, trapped in the Heart of Etheria, or just within the walls of Brightmoon. It would never matter. One simple phrase and Adora is Home._

_Catra’s tail brushes her hand. It’s outstretched in the crystal castle, it’s a silent question on the ship, it’s a peace offering after one of Shadow Weaver’s many manipulation sessions, it’s an invitation that Adora hoped for as naturally as she breathed._

_The way her eyes light up when mentioning driving a tank. Her cocky smirk and that suit at Princess Prom. The party and attention in the portal world. Catra purring in her arms again feeling like the only moment in the universe that mattered._

Her laugh, her eyes, her wit, her protective nature, how cool and intelligent she is, the way she sees right through Adora and always has. How she’s never expected Adora to be anything other than what she is. Not a leader, not a hero, not a sacrifice. Just Adora. 

_“What do you want, Adora?”_

I don’t want to leave. 

_They’re planets apart and a voice comes through the radio that gives Adora the moment she’d longed for, except it comes as a goodbye. They’re under Mystacor and Catra leaps into fire to pull Adora to safety. They’re in the Heart and Catra stands with Adora, no guarantee for either of their lives. They’re surrounded by hostile clones and Catra leaps._

I don’t have a choice.

Ice grips her shoulder and she shivers knowing exactly which sinister voice is going to drip through her mind. _“Those who die in the line of duty have made the ultimate sacrifice. They knew the safety of their loved ones takes priority over their own desires. Even going so far as the desire to live. Isn’t she allowed to sacrifice too, Adora?”_

“You’d love that wouldn’t you?” Adora hisses. She can almost feel the emotionless stare and suddenly feels like she’s going to vomit. Adora stands as if she can run away from the rioting emotions and flicks her hands as if that will dispel the ghost.

She begins to pace and energy crackles around her hands, barely registering. She needs to do something, go somewhere, hit something, get into a fight, go on a mission, anything to distract her from the thoughts eating her alive and give her some sense of purpose. 

The sword jumps to life in her hands. Adora can’t bring on the full transformation, but she wouldn’t want it if she could. She wants to sweat, to work, to ache and she can’t do that as She-Ra without destroying the building. The sword transforms to a staff and Adora begins swinging through still familiar drills. She moves up and down the hallway attempting to literally battle the voices coursing through her thoughts. 

_“You always needed to play the hero-”_ Handspring, roll, uppercut.

 _“She-Ra is the only being strong enough to-”_ Block, disrupt, smash.

 _“You caused the world to end and it’s-”_ Parry, dodge, swipe.

 _“You’re just mad you’re not Shadow Weaver’s-.”_ Bar, push, slash.

 _“If you do anything to jeopardize her future I will dispose of you-”_ Block, thrust.

 _“I wonder who I could have become without you holding me back?”_ Adora’s staff falters. Block, duck!

 _“You never protected me.”_ Fall back, fall back-

 _“But you have hurt me. You broke my heart.”_ Adora closes her eyes and imagines Catra waking up to the letter and realizing Adora left her for duty, again. 

_“What do you want, Adora?”_ The failsafe blazes across her chest. 

Something within her snaps.

Adora’s eyes fly open, glowing electric blue. She screams and sets out on the offense. She’s a whirlwind of movement. The staff glows and leaves trails of light that cast impossible shadows along the hallway giving Adora plenty of targets. Adora’s pulse runs high and her head is finally, blissfully empty. 

She lets loose a series of kicks, jabs, slashes, and acrobatics that could have earned her extra rations in the Horde. Adora comes to a sudden and dizzying halt her pulse pounding in her ears and sweat dripping down her neck. The reminder of how many times she’d done this out of focus rather than rage to make sure Catra ate that day brings her to her knees and the staff disappears along with her unbridled energy. 

Adora breathes deeply and realizes she’s not quite sure where she is. She brushes the loosened hair from her eyes and finally looks up to see the mural of Queen Angella towering overhead. The final straw comes in the form of Glimmer’s voice this time, _“maybe if you’d been a better She-Ra my mom would still be here!”_

Adora blinks and bursts out into an odd mixture of laughter and tears. Nothing about the situation is funny, but Adora can’t stop giggling. “Of course. Of course I pick this hallway. Where else?” She wipes her eyes and looks up at the mural, which seems to glow purple as if some part of Angella is still here. “I tried, your majesty.” Adora looks bitterly down at her hands and rubs the calloused palm of her right with the stiff fingers of her left. _“Take care of each other,”_ she whispers shaking her head, “I tried.”

“Adora.” Immediately Adora is on her feet, fists raised, eyes wild. She lowers her guard a bit when she registers Glimmer, hands up and face pleading. 

Adora quickly turns her back and wipes her eyes. “How much of that did you see?”

“Just the stuff after the scream. That final backflip was pretty impressive.” Adora huffs and hunches her shoulders, embarrassed to be pleased by the praise considering the circumstance. She startles when a warm hand gently cups her shoulder. Adora stiffens and Glimmer tightens her grip, but leaves an opening clear. There’s a pause just a beat too long before Glimmer speaks again, quiet, almost timid this time. “Take care of each other… Was that what my mom said?”

Adora turns in surprise to face her and Glimmer’s hand glides with her shoulder to stay in contact. Adora looks back at the mural of the queen, the kind smile and noble head tilt seeming to come to life for a moment with none of the whirlwind of the portal. Adora warms at the grounding contact of Glimmers hand and reaches up to cover it with her own. She looks back down at Glimmer and nods solemnly. 

“Is that why you were trying so hard to keep me safe before I activated the Heart?” Adora nods again, her brow furrowing as if that should have been obvious. 

“Wait, what, did you think I was trying to take over?” It’s Glimmers turn to nod as if that should have been obvious. Adora frantically shakes her head, moving to grip Glimmers shoulders, “no, no. I just- I couldn’t lose you. I don’t – I don’t know what I would have done if you’d died. I mean, I couldn’t sleep when you’d been kidnapped I really, I couldn’t. You’re a queen, Glimmer, I never meant to make you feel like you were lesser or _weaker_.”

Arms are wound tightly around her before Adora can fully finish the sentence and “weaker” comes out as a bit of a huff. She hugs Glimmer back and they stand there for a while before Adora hears muffled words from below her chin. She pulls back, keeping their hands joined, and Glimmer lets a few tears fall before meeting her eyes. “I’m sorry.” 

“What? No, Glimmer, I’m apologizing to y-ou“ Adora trails off at Glimmer’s headshake.

“My mom said ‘take care of each other,’ not ‘Adora is in charge of the health and wellbeing of everyone by herself’ and I didn’t do my part with that. I thought I was doing what was right and I was so angry that it felt like no one wanted to take action against the Horde. I was hurt that my mom had disappeared and felt like no one was respecting my authority as queen.” Adora nods sympathetically, full of way more understanding than Glimmer wants anything to do with. Glimmer grips Adora’s hands with a deep breath and launches in again.

“It doesn’t excuse what I did. I used you as bait, I let Shadow Weaver roam freely and took advice from her, I went against the alliance to get more power, and I wasn’t looking out for what you and Bow needed.” Glimmer’s shoulders rise and fall as she speaks and a few tears cause the occasional hitch in her voice, but overall she delivers it with full acceptance of the responsibility for what she’s done and complete acknowledgement. 

Adora stands frozen, eyes wide, breaths shallow, as if she can’t make up her mind on how to react. Glimmer raises her chin and opens her arms a bit, feeling vulnerable without begging for forgiveness. She knows Adora would only use it to suppress her own feelings. If she’s going to be angry, Glimmer wants her to be angry. “I’m sorry, Adora.”

Adora drops her hands and takes a step back, wrapping her arms around her waist and keeping her eyes trained on Glimmer in a move that is startlingly similar to Catra. Almost as if Adora has the same thought her hands suddenly shoot down to fists at her sides and she looks away. Her jaw grinds for a moment before she speaks, “I’m… really not okay with what happened with Shadow Weaver. You saw how I acted at Mystacor. You saw how she treated me when she first showed up here. You- you laughed when she called me paranoid, Glim.” Adora’s using every ounce of willpower to not visibly shake, but she can’t help the pain in her voice.

Glimmer’s heart drops to her feet. She can’t let her guilt show, not yet, she needs Adora to hold onto digging out the actual emotions. 

Instead, she sweeps her arms as if laying cards on a table, keeping her movements slow and clear. “That was wrong of me to do, I was wrong. I didn’t understand, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have listened to you. Catra,” Adora flinches and Glimmer raises an eyebrow. Adora looks away sheepish and guilty and Glimmer raises an eyebrow, speaking with more consideration, “we spoke while I was in Prime’s prison, she – she implied some of the things that happened. When I saw how Shadow Weaver acted around the two of you I started to understand what you meant. She was dangerous and manipulative and it shouldn’t have taken that much evidence for me to trust you or see that it was hurting you.” Adora huffs and Glimmer takes the bitterness in stride, lets Adora take her time to process.

“Why didn’t you listen to me?” Adora is somehow both pleading and flat, as if she wants to trust Glimmer, but can’t bring herself to let her guard down.

Glimmer sighs and looks away as if she wants to find a better excuse than the one she has. Finding none on the floor Glimmer raises her head again to look Adora in the eye with the truth. “Because if I admitted you were right we would have been out of options.” Adora’s eyes harden for a moment before she seems to remember exactly how much ground the Horde had taken in those last months before Prime. She looks out the window behind them at the stars studding the night sky. The scale changed so suddenly, so drastically it’s hard to remember how desperate the Horde’s final push had made them feel. 

Adora breathes deeply and finally lets her fists unclench fully, flexing her fingers for what feels like the first time in months. She can’t look at Glimmer, not yet, but she pushes through the fear gnawing at her ribs to be vulnerable with her friend. “I want to trust you, and in a lot of ways I do, but I don’t know how to feel… safe.” The word feels bitter and useless on her hypocritical tongue, but it’s already out there so she finishes her thought. “It really scared me to see how easily she could influence you away from us.”

“I don’t really think a planet wide war, encroaching powerful enemies, the sudden loss of my mother, wartime ceremony to crown me queen, inheritance of a kingdom of responsibility, and the increased pressure on us as friends is really easy, but sure.” Glimmer had done what she could to keep her tone in check, but some things just slip out on their own. She can see the gears turning in Adora’s head and decides now is the time if ever for the full truth, “also, Shadow Weaver treated me with respect and it felt good to have someone I felt totally in charge of.”

Adora scoffs, “I really don’t get what the big deal is with wanting power.”

“I mean, from what I understand you’ve kind of always had it, right?” Adora sends a powerful glare her way. Glimmer pauses, mentally tacking some information together before backpedalling and offering Adora an outlet, “it was expected of you?” 

“I didn’t ask for it. I don’t want it.” Adora practically spits the words, pacing to the window and gesturing at the night sky. “What is it even worth, am I worth, to anyone if I always put them in danger by having it?”

“Is that why you wrote Catra that letter?”

Adora whirls around, furious eyes hiding sickening stress. “How do you know about that?”

“I went to check on you after we settled the situation with the clones. Catra was at your desk with some papers and you weren’t in the room. She uh- I don’t know what you put, but judging by her reaction and your backpack I don’t think it was the right thing to say.” Glimmer decides to leave out that Catra had left deep claw marks in the desk and had clearly been crying. 

“Is-, she’s awake? Is she still there?” Adora looks about to bolt if she could figure out whether it was to stay or to go. Glimmer disappears in a shower of sparkles and before Adora can begin to pace she returns with a single nod. “Is she okay?”

“I mean, emotionally no. But the wound didn’t reopen. She’s with Melog.” Glimmer subtly moves to block Adora from her backpack. It won’t stop her if she decides to run, but it will make it easier to track her down if she starts with fewer supplies. “You should talk to her, in person, and give her the chance to see you.”

Adora shakes her head and grips the windowsill behind her desperately. “I can’t. I don’t, I can’t put her in danger with this anymore. She deserves better.”

“She deserves to make the choice for herself.” Adora’s eyes widen as if this is a new concept and Glimmer pushes on, “and maybe for you to value yourself enough to stop getting into dire situations in the first place.” Adora’s jaw snaps shut at that and she looks away angrily. 

“I don’t do it to be a hero. I just want everyone around me to be safe.”

“Would you walk away if you could?”

Adora hesitates, her hand reaching up to place pressure over her heart. Glimmer thinks she might be tracing something subtly, but the writing isn’t Etherian. Adora looks again at the stars, then shakes her head. 

“I don’t want anyone else to have to bear this burden. What’s the point of everything I sacrificed and went through if there’s going to be another person just like me? Some kid like anyone else that’s suddenly forced to decide between what she wants and the fate of the universe? Another Mara? Another She-Ra?” Adora shakes her head. “I can’t.” 

Glimmer waits, she can see a storm brewing in Adora’s eyes and takes a step closer to draw it out. It starts with a whisper and builds to a roar. “I want… _Oh_. I want to. I’m so tired. I just, I just want peace, but I guess that means nothing either. All this _peace_ across the planet and Catra still got shot today trying to protect me! What’s the point?!” Her voice raises, her eyes glow, and Adora sweeps her hand angrily across her body. “She-Ra’s not worth anything if I can’t even keep the people I love safe!”

__  
_ _

Adora looks back out the window and practically spits, “and this is only one planet. Prime had a galactic empire so who knows what else is out there!” Adora flails angrily at the stars, glaring at the oppressive obligation they shine upon her. When they give nothing back Adora’s brow softens and she catches her breath in a hitched sob. She hangs her head, “I’m so tired, Glim. When does it end?” 

“Whenever you want it to.” Adora looks at her as if that’s the stupidest thing she could have said. Glimmer raises her hands in front and walks forward carefully. “You’re not the only hero in the universe, Adora. You did it. You saved everyone here and healed the planet. You’re allowed to rest now.” She slides up Adora’s arms to her shoulders, gently nudging her forward. “We don’t need She-Ra anymore.” 

Adora collapses into the hug, sobbing and bringing her and Glimmer to their knees to accommodate the height difference. She feels the brush of magic along her body and shivers trying to hold She-Ra off. Glimmer lets go with one hand, but keeps the other tightly wrapped around Adora stroking her back securely and keeping her head buried in Glimmer’s shoulder. “One more time, if you could walk away from being She-Ra. What do you want, Adora?”

She’s never put words to it, but the longing that she’s sure is imprinted on her soul at this point grips every nerve. Adora has loved her whole life. She’s fought fiercely to create safety, but she’s never successfully had both at the same time. Safety in love. Between Shadow Weaver and the war it had never really been an option. But there is no more war, no more Shadow Weaver… and if there were no more She-Ra? The answer tumbles out easily, “I want to love and be with Catra without it putting her in danger.” 

She hears a gasp from someone new and freezes in Glimmer’s arms. She reaches out slowly and pats the carpet of her room instead of the tile of the hallway. She pats the carpet again, just to check, and sighs. “Glimmer, what did you do?”

“Got the conversation started since you’re both too stubborn and dramatic to do it yourselves.” Adora hears a scoff behind her and the fear gripping her chest loosens at the familiarity.

“That was low.”

“Aw, you know nothing’s too low for me.”

Adora chuckles and pulls away, sitting on her heels, her back to the bed and eyes on Glimmer. There’s a reassuring smile and a thumb swept across her knuckles before Glimmer winks at the figure behind her and lets go to disappear in a flash.

Adora sighs and slowly turns around, bracing for the confrontation she’s walked into. When she looks up she sees Catra half sitting half leaning against Melog on the bed. They lock eyes and both their shoulders relax just a touch. 

Adora’s throat dries and closes as she searches for something to say, somewhere to start. Her eyes trace the familiar pissed off expression, the tail swishing behind her, the ears alternating between flat and perked as if hoping Adora will make a sound and break their spell of silence. Everything about her body language is tense, yet they lean into each other. Adora feels no threat, no fear, just relief and hope. Now that she’s here, now that the decision has been made for her, now that her deepest desire has been made clear… she feels foolish for thinking she’d be able to leave in the first place. No matter how terrified she is to admit it, with Catra she’s home. 

Her mouth opens and closes as if forming different shapes will spark something. She sees the faintest hint of a smile tug at Catra’s lips, small enough she’s sure she could have imagined it. Catra sighs and gives a sort of wave with her tail, an invitation. It’s not much, but it’s all Adora needs for the tension in her chest to break. She’s still here. She’s giving Adora the chance to speak. She still wants this to work or she would have said her cutting remarks and vanished from Adora’s life already. 

There’s hope.

They’ve got a lot to talk about, but for once Adora feels reasonably certain they’ll get somewhere and that gives her confidence. She tries opening her mouth again, the only word she’d want to say slipping breathless and thick with emotion from her tongue, “Catra.” _I’m sorry, I love you, please let me work this out with you, I know I’m an idiot._

“Hey, Adora.” _I know. Welcome Home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hurt with like a dash of comfort at the end. Slowly, but surely, we chip away at the iceburg that is Adora's issues. More things to come, this isn't the ending.  
> If you want to come talk I'm on Tumblr as AllthingsAdora, all comments are read and cherished. Thanks for reading!


	8. Glimmer pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra comes to terms with Adora's choices, Glimmer helps, there is an actual conversation. Angst turns to fluff. Semi-conclusion/wrap up chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To start: I'm sorry for the month and some change hiatus. I've been absolutely slammed with work so I've been working on this in basically 20 minute bursts. And, since I don't know how to plan or edit, I'm pretty much just free-spinning this whole series with a vague plan.  
> With all of that preface, I tried to make this chapter a decent wrap up in case I have to drop off again. If you don’t remember any of this series rereading the chapter before this is probably enough, but this might work to stand alone? There are still some plot bits left or alluded to so I have something to come back to, but overall I hope this chapter gives a satisfying semi-conclusion.  
> Content warnings for the usual panic attacks, slight mentions of blood, generic back pain, mentions of non-specific abuse. Please read safely.

Catra’s left claws scratch against the table as her right tries desperately not to shred the letter in front of her. Ragged breaths increase in pace as she skims the contents and she clenches her fists in front of her both from the pain racing along her back and the suffocating feeling clenching her chest. Her head spins and her vision narrows through the fog of tears to where all she can see is the letter. She was no longer sure which tears were hers and which were Adora’s, which smudges were hers and which were Adora’s, but she at least knew who caused the puncture marks. The note, though filled with words scratched out and smeared, was simple enough to understand. Adora had left her, again, for her stupid destiny. 

_Dear Catra,_

_I’m sorry. I never meant for you to get hurt again. I never meant for you to be in danger again, but that always seems to happen when I’m around, doesn’t it? Ever since I became She-Ra, and even before then really, I’ve gotten you in trouble or in danger. It’s not right for me to ask of you. I can’t ask it of you._

_I meant what I said in the Heart, and in every moment since. I love you, Catra. I always have and I always will._

_You deserve more than I could ever offer you as long as I’m She-Ra, as long as the universe has some stupid need for me. You deserve a life of peace and safety and I can’t offer that. I want more than anything to give it to you, but I can’t. This is the only way. I couldn’t turn into She-Ra in time to protect us, I couldn’t turn into She-Ra to heal you, I couldn’t turn into She-Ra on my own in the Heart, and I can’t protect you as Adora. Here you’re safe. With me… I can’t guarantee it and that eats me alive._

_You stood with me in the Heart, you jumped into fire for me, you jumped in front of a bolt for me. I know that when the next time came you would be there._

_I can’t watch you die again. It’s no longer just a nightmare, it’s a frequent reality, and it’s my fault. It’s better for you if I’m gone._

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._

_-Adora_

“Hypocrite.” Catra mutters the word seething through her teeth. She can feel her world narrowing and screams against it, “I can’t watch you die again. Do you even hear yourself, Adora? We finally had a chance at being together and you panic the first time something goes wrong?!” Catra slams her hand against the table forcing her claws to create jagged fissures as she and the table groan under the stress. 

Melog rumbles along her legs, trying to get her to ground, but there’s nothing for her to attach to anymore. Adora left, again. What was the point? Why did they fight this stupid war? Why did she even try? What was the point of the Heart and Prime and any of it? Catra doesn’t get to win. Something hateful and bitter and furious settles in her stomach and for a moment she feels the phantom touch of her old mask across her face. 

How easy it would be to slip back into her role. How easy it would be to call Adora back to her by returning to the role of villain so she at least has to acknowledge what she did. Catra picks up the letter and snarls at it. “You and me, together at the end of the world, one way or another. Right, Adora?”

Pain drips from the whispered promise as her tail lashes. A cracked smile creeps across her fangs and her claws flex with energy. It’s a familiar mask to wear. It’s expected, it’s easy, it’s the quickest way to get Adora back in her life. 

It’s easier than feeling the gaping loneliness and abandonment ripping her chest apart.

It’s easier than acknowledging Adora’s fear.

It’s not who she is anymore. 

Catra sighs and lets the letter flutter back to the desk, all of the anger draining from her as another pulse of pain reminds her that she could never turn her back on Adora again. That Adora’s right, she would jump in front of a bolt, jump into fire, jump in front of some stupid First Ones bug or mystery planet ghost again every time if it meant Adora would be safe. She can’t hide from the love she feels anymore and it’s both relieving and burdening. Catra’s energy gives out and she falls to her knees, hissing softly at the jolted landing. 

She knows exactly where Adora’s coming from.

 _“She didn’t want to leave you.”_ Melog purrs and rubs against her cheek giving her something to lean against. 

“I know.”

_“She stood at the door crying, I think she was just scared.”_

“Melog, I know. I know Adora. I just, I hoped we might last a little longer is all.” Melog nods against her chest and Catra buries her face in their mane with a soft sob. This anguish has to come out one way or another and she’s tired of destruction. Tired of tearing things down when all she wants to do is start rebuilding. Melog purrs against her and the sound fills her chest, grounds her to this world, rolls through her lungs and heart and slowly eases the ache into a steady drum of something approaching acceptance. 

***

As Catra levels off into the lead limbed, fuzzy-headed emotional state that feels like a perfectly flat sea and comes after a heavy release, she hears the door open. Her head snaps up and she tries not to scowl too obviously when the silhouette shows flipped up hair rather than a poof and a ponytail. 

“Adora? Catra?” Glimmer calls into the room as she flicks the light on. She gasps at the spots of blood on the bed, the clawed up desk, the two figures huddled beside it, and the lack of Adora. Catra can’t blame her, it’s quite the scene.

“Hey, Sparkles.” Catra calls from the floor. She waves half-heartedly and winces when she realizes her back has frozen from sitting for so long. Glimmer disappears and reappears beside her in an instant, worry etched across her face, any pretense of their usual dynamic gone. 

Catra flinches when Glimmer reaches out and sneezes as the magic dissipates around her causing another flash of pain. “I swear if you teleport me somewhere I can and will claw you.” 

Glimmer pulls back, sitting on her heels and scanning the scene again. Catra buries her face in her arms, leaning heavily against Melog, feeling her shame increase when Glimmer gently asks, “Catra, where’s Adora?” Catra raises her head just enough to look the Queen in the eye. Seeing no judgment she flicks her ear and chin toward the letter on the desk, indicating that it’s all that’s left. 

Glimmer stands, scanning the room again and gently brushing her fingers over the name embossed on the letter’s front. Catra feels a note of kindred satisfaction at the frustrated huff and the “oh, Adora” she hears. After a few moments Catra senses Glimmer crouching beside her again and reluctantly opens her eyes to meet the steady gaze of the queen. Her tail flicks impatiently as she waits for Glimmer to start the conversation, allowing the conflict boiling behind Glimmer’s eyes to reach a consensus. After an awkward pause Glimmer begins with a hesitant, “so, I saw the claw marks, but you seem to be okay now… how are you holding up?”

Catra blinks at Glimmer, that’s... an unusual approach for her. Catra narrows her eyes at Glimmer who attempts a comforting smile in return that looks entirely too much like someone they know trying to defuse a tense situation. Clarity brings a smirk and she chuckles, “you sound like Bow.” Glimmer blushes and scowls as Catra glances around the room and asks, “so, where is Arrow-Boy?”

“You know what, I’ll take that as a compliment.” Glimmer allows the momentary diversion, “he’s giving some of the clones a tour of the castle.” Glimmer briefly recounts the ending of the meeting, the negotiations, the way at least a quarter of the clones immediately took an interest in cooking thanks to Wrong Hordak. Catra halfway listens, partially intrigued by the political concepts, but mostly taking a moment to prepare for the looming conversation. All too soon Glimmer winds down and Catra braces for the inevitable question. Glimmer seems to fumble with her words before trailing off with an awkward, “so…”

Catra sighs, her ears falling back as she gestures vaguely with a claw, “why are you even here?” Glimmer opens her mouth looking extremely offended and Catra cuts her off. “I mean why aren’t you going after Adora?” Catra gestured at her current state sourly. “It’s not like I can go anywhere right now, I’ll still be here.”

“Because it’s not like you can go anywhere right now.” Catra glares at Glimmer for dodging the real question and receives an equally exasperated glare in return. “Can’t I care about you too? We have no idea how long ago Adora left or where she went or if she might come back when she realizes she’s being dumb. I’m not going to go running off into the night for that when you’re here and injured and looking like a mess.” Catra’s ears fold back both at the reminder that she looks terrible and that Adora left her in this state. Glimmer’s voice cuts through the growing static buzzing through her mind, “I do, on occasion, have like an ounce of impulse control.”

Catra snorts, glad for the humor distracting from the rioting abandonment issues threatening to take over again. Glimmer smiles and edges slightly closer, bumping her knee with Catra’s in a move that’s so Adora it makes Catra ache. “So, what happened?”

Catra turns just a little away from Glimmer in an awkward, deflecting shuffle of knees before speaking. “I don’t know. I woke up bandaged, read the letter, killed a table, and now we’re here.”

“Right, but like, what Happened?” Glimmer asks, gesturing between the table and Catra, matching her tone.

Catra huffs and looks away, speaking sarcastically into her elbows instead, “Adora left and my descent into villainy only lasted a few minutes this time, so I’d say I handled it better than usual.”

Glimmer grins, “and the only casualty was a table! You know what that is?” Catra pokes one eye at the queen who raises a handful of sparkles, “growth.”

Catra’s ears fold back and she finally looks up sheepishly at Glimmer’s moderately amused and entirely too sympathetic expression. Glimmer just rolls her eyes and offers a hand instead of humoring her with more familiar banter. Apparently, they’re actually going to address this. Catra rolls her eyes back and flicks her tail indicating consent. 

Glimmer’s hand rests comfortingly on her shoulder and Catra relaxes into the knowledge that if anyone’s going to understand the outburst indicated around them, it’s Glimmer. They sit like that for a moment, Glimmer’s thumb rubbing soft circles across Catra’s upper back, until the silence passes from loaded to accepting and Glimmer decides to break it. “I saw her carrying you out of the room.” Glimmer’s hand stills and her voice drops to a cracked whisper. “She looked… haunted. And She-Ra kept flickering. I don’t think she wanted to hurt you with this, but she’s always been so stupidly noble I don’t think she knows any other way to cope.”

“I know, Sparkles.” Catra scowls at the desk as that flicker of anger suddenly roars to life again. “That doesn’t mean it’s right or okay or that it didn’t hurt. She’s left me over and over again in our lives. If she comes back, and that’s actually an If this time, how am I supposed to trust that she’ll stay? Why should I believe she won’t just panic and run off again?” Catra’s tail lashes angrily and her claws dig lightly into her arms, just enough to feel threatening, the ice in her chest demanding she be taken seriously. “We finally admit we love and want each other and even that isn’t enough to keep her here!” 

Her eyes burn with tears she refuses to let fall, refuses the relief as the anger provides an anchor. Glimmer’s hand slides across her back in what’s almost a hug and Catra’s breath hitches. Warmth glides across her chest, thawing the cold grip around her heart as a single tear falls and her ears and tail drop with it. Her voice breaks into a whisper of truth, “I wasn’t worth it.” The heartbeats following her statement plunge further and further into her stomach as the truth weighs her down. “I’m just… I’m not enough.”

There’s a thoughtful pause before Glimmer’s soft response. “No, I actually think it’s that you’re too much.”

“Wow that’s exactly what I needed to hear, thanks, Sparkles.” Catra scoffs, moving to shrug off Glimmer’s hand, but the grip on her shoulder tightens firmly, gently. 

“No, hear me out. Do you remember two nights ago when she came back late from the mission?” Catra nods impatiently. “She said she couldn’t afford to think of the future she wanted because she wouldn’t be able to make the sacrifices needed if she did. She loves you, she has the future she wants, and now she can also lose it.” Catra feels her eyes narrow. Glimmer continues, “how many times has she seen you almost die now because of this duty she’s bound to?” Catra’s stomach swoops at the reminder. It’s not a low number. “No matter what she does it’s duty or you, so instead she’s figured out the loophole that lets her sacrifice herself.”

“Because she doesn’t think she’s important.”

“Right.”

“Classic.”

“Yeah.” Glimmer rubs her thumb along Catra’s shoulder again and the two sit for a moment longer appreciating the depth of the situation they’ve stumbled into. Eventually Glimmer stands, offering a hand to Catra who takes it without meeting her eye. The two slowly make their way back to the bed where Catra leans back against Melog with a small groan. Her eyes drift closed as she stares at the door, wondering if Adora will come back through. Glimmer twitches a small, regretful smile at the sight and turns to leave. 

She’s almost out the door when the unmistakable battle cry of Adora sounds from a distant hallway and all heads in the room turn immediately and violently in its direction. Glimmer takes off in a series of teleport bursts that send cascading and dimming pink light down the corridor behind her and Catra is left alone with a pounding heart. She tries to stand and nearly blacks out at the sudden change in elevation, slamming her fist to the bed in frustration that once again she’s left behind. Her tears stream freely as the frustration, pain, anger, and grief finally break down the walls she’s been carefully building from the moment she woke up without Adora beside her. 

She leans forward so the tears don’t leave tracks, she growls and clutches at what she can reach, punching the bed. Her mind turns to static, flicking through half-memories of abuse where she felt like this before. The training, the pain, the loneliness, the desire to protect against future punishment all run deep and Catra loses herself in the memories of every other time she’s been left sobbing in the dark alone. 

It isn’t until she accidentally runs her fingers through her hair that she gets some sense of being back in the present, back in relative safety, back where she feels Melog’s head in her lap. Catra leans down and wraps her arms around the large head feeling the ghostly tongue swipe at the few tears that leave trails. 

Just as she starts to calm down she hears the tinkling sound that warns her of an incoming teleport. Pink light flashes through the room and Catra sneezes. 

“I found her, I’m coming back with her, try not to sneeze again,” is all Sparkles gasps out in a rush before Catra can fully process the situation. Wearily she sits up a bit higher against Melog and flicks away a final tear. She freezes when Glimmer’s words repeat. _I’m coming back with her._

Catra’s heart kicks into overdrive, her hands shake as she brings them slowly away from her face. It’s all she wants and everything she’s not ready for. Melog rumbles gently behind her prompting her to look at them and watch their colors fade to blue. Catra feels her heart settle in her stomach, loud and certain and much more manageable than when it thundered through her body. Another calming breath and Catra nods at Melog. 

_“It will not always feel this intense. I can feel you are learning to acknowledge all of your emotions and that this is new for you. It will get easier.”_ Catra blushes slightly and pats Melog’s head in an awkward thanks. 

She glances away from Melog and winces at the state of the desk, at the small spots of blood that lead from the bed, at the slight smears of it along the sheets. She is bleeding, but most of the wound is superficial from what she can feel. The room looks worse than she is. Catra reaches out to the blankets and begins to rearrange the worst of the mess from sight hoping Adora won’t notice. 

The tinkling sound comes back and this time Catra covers her nose and mouth against the stupid sparkles. 

This time Adora appears in Glimmers arms, worse for the wear and visibly shaking with sobs. Glimmer locks eyes with her and she slowly holds her finger to her lips when Catra’s eyes go wide. 

Glimmer turns back to Adora once Catra nods in acknowledgement that she’s not going to immediately freak out. In an impossibly gentle voice she prompts the mess in her arms, “one more time Adora, if you didn’t have to be She-Ra, what do you want?”

Adora gulps through another wracking sob that kicks Catra in the chest. “I - I want to be with Catra without worrying about anyone’s safety.” The words are almost a whisper, almost a confession, almost enough to quell the irritation and fear that have been gnawing at Catra’s nerves all night. 

She gasps, involuntary, small, and light, but distinct enough to grab Adora’s attention. She idly watches Adora pat the carpet as her emotions wage war. Just because Catra understands why she left doesn’t change that she did, doesn’t change that she’s afraid to rely on Adora in any capacity, doesn’t change that she spent the last hour crying, and briefly contemplated a life of villainy again. Though, she supposes that last bit isn’t really Adora’s fault specifically. 

She’s too spent to be deeply angry, but the fear and sense of betrayal leave her just shy of glad to see her partner’s return. Glimmer and Adora exchange some more words while Catra tries to settle on a stance. Too soon she catches Glimmer’s eye and watches her disappear with a wink leaving the two of them alone in a suffocating silence. 

Catra watches breathlessly as Adora slowly turns to meet her gaze. Her eyes are wide, the crystal blue outlined by tear-studded red, her disheveled hair frames her cheekbones and Catra’s heart fumbles in the vulnerability of the moment. A breathless beat passes as they scan each other and almost in tandem, their shoulders relax by just a hair. Catra feels the no-longer-violent emotional pendulum within her finally settle. 

She’s hurting, but so is Adora. If she’s allowed to panic run once, so is Adora. What matters now is that she’s here and they can try again, try again, try again, however many tries it takes as long as they’re _together_. Her chest aches, but there’s no more anger or resentment, all that’s left is relief. 

She’s not sure where to even begin, but she knows they need to start somewhere. Adora seems to have the same thought as her mouth opens and closes in an outstanding fish impression. It’s almost enough to make her snicker, but the tension of the moment lets it pass. Instead, her tail curls across her wrist and twitches at Adora, unconsciously inviting one of them to say something, anything, to begin, to break this weird tension between them. 

Adora sputters for a moment, then the tears form again and Catra can see her earnest and honest regret as if it were a tangible third person in the room. Sympathy tears threaten her own eyes as her name falls brokenly from Adora’s lips. It’s all she seems able to muster, but Catra can work with that.

“Hey, Adora.” They both relax further and suddenly the situation seems unbearably dramatic and silly. Catra smiles, then begins to laugh, almost doubling over. The few tears that had threatened to spill fall, but they don’t burn with grief anymore. “We’re such idiots.” She finally gasps, and Adora joins in on the laughter. 

“I know.” Adora sniffles a chuckle and shuffles slightly forward, clearly still trying to respect the distance between them, but reaching forward almost unconsciously. Catra stiffens at the approach. She wants it more than anything, but she’s not ready, not without a few questions. 

Adora pauses when Catra flinches and her shoulders drop, her hand curling in on itself and falling into her lap. She looks away and as she seems to take in the state of the room her posture falls steadily inward. “I’m sorry,” she shakes her head and looks Catra in the eye to say it again, but Catra cuts her off.

“I know.” Catra winces as she shifts and the pulse of pain moves through her again. Taking a steadying breath Catra grits through her teeth, “why did you leave?” Adora hesitates and glances at the letter on the desk with a raised eyebrow. “No, why did you really leave?”

Adora folds her hands in her lap twisting her fingers around each other as if the right combination might unlock the words she’s searching for. Catra’s tail flicks as she waits, but she doesn’t have the energy to control the impulse or her impatience. Adora flutters her fingers as if carrying on a silent argument before shaking her head and meeting Catra’s gaze. There’s determination in her jaw and steel in her eyes and Catra knows she’s lying to herself before she even starts. 

Adora tries to sell the lie, she really does, “you’re not safe - “ but Catra cuts her off with a warning hiss meeting Adora’s steel with her own, daring her not to rethink her argument.

It’s the same look they shared in the Frightzone every time Adora would volunteer for something dangerous, every time they met on the battlefield and Adora forgot where she came from, every time she woke up from a flashback on Darla to Adora’s hesitant presence. Every time Adora would cave, and this was no exception. Adora looks away and rubs her right thigh as if soothing an ache. Tears flash in her eyes and Catra knows she’s won the truth this time. “I was scared.” Catra bites back the _no, really?_ on the tip of her tongue. Sarcasm won’t help Adora trust her here.

Adora pauses another beat and lets everything fall at once, “I am scared, Catra, I’m terrified. About your safety and mine and the universe. But, more than that, I’m scared of how much you mean to me.” Catra’s ears flick and her head tilts as Adora rambles with barely any breath. “I always wanted you, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love you in some way, but it didn’t matter what I wanted because there was always something else that someone needed.” Adora’s hands join the mix gesturing emphatically, “genuinely life or death needed from me, so what I wanted would have to wait. I wasn’t going to die if I didn’t have you and as far as I knew neither were you. We lived under Shadow Weaver long enough to know better than to rely on someone.” 

Adora grimaces at the mention of their supervisor and Catra feels her own mimicked in reply. Adora flicks a sardonic _what are you gonna do_ eyebrow shrug at Catra and takes a breath to plunge back into her snowballing thoughts. “All that time we were fighting on Etheria I could keep pretending. Pretending that I was okay and that you were okay and that I was doing what was Right, but… When I heard your voice from Prime’s ship, after all those months where I thought you were gone, after all that black and white turned out to be a lot of grey, I knew I had to go back. I couldn’t- I couldn’t leave you again, not if I had any chance at bringing you home, even if you didn’t want to stay, even if you didn’t want me. I had to try.” 

Catra’s heart clenches, Glimmer’s words ringing back in her ears: _I think the only time I saw her asking for something she wants, something that has nothing to do with She-Ra or a mission, just Adora, was when she asked to go rescue you from Prime’s ship._

Adora rambles on, unaware of the sound of Catra’s heart stuttering. “It was stupid strategically and risky and we had a lot of key rebellion people on board and hadn’t tested Entrapta’s suits before and I hadn’t been able to summon She-Ra in months and –“

“Woah, wait, what?” Catra stops the rambling list of why it was stupid to come back for her and puts her conflicting anger and awe on the back burner for a moment. “You didn’t know you had She-Ra? You walked into a fight against Horde Prime with basically nothing? Adora how stupid could you be?! I mean I knew you needed a strategist but I didn’t think you needed-“

“You.” Adora’s voice is firm and the steel is back, but this time Adora holds the challenge. She’s telling the truth. Catra’s ears fold back, her eyes wide. Adora stands and marches up to the edge of the bed pointing an accusing finger, “I needed, need, you, Catra. You, the sarcastic, angry, brat-cat” Catra’s ears perk back up in offense and intrigue, “who is also the genius strategist, impressive fighter, kind, selfless, beautiful, driven woman, who actually knows and understands me. The one I could never really leave behind.” Catra can feel her eyes widening and her heart rushing through rises and drops like an out of control skiff as Adora continues. 

“I can’t need you. I am _terrified_ of needing you. We were on opposite sides of a war for years and when we needed to be there for each other both of us have run away. I kept seeing you in the Heart, I kept hearing your voice, I turned away from the Heart the first time, and I’m the reason Shadow Weaver got herself killed,” 

Adora’s voice, steadily rising, reaches a desperate cry, “because I love you and I need you! And I refused to go on if I knew you were in trouble. I would do anything to keep you safe including at the expense of the whole galaxy and as She-Ra I Can’t Do That!” Adora punctuates each word with a poke into the fabric of the bed next to Catra before collapsing forward onto her hands and hanging her head with a small shake. 

“I’m terrified because if it was you or the world I don’t know who I would choose anymore and I don’t know if I could live with myself either way if I had to. I can… well, I can survive without you, I can finish missions and make friends and save villages without you, the last few years have proven that, but, at what cost?” Adora shakes with the tears she bites back and Catra drifts closer unconsciously. “She-Ra can’t afford to need anyone, but I do. I need you, Catra. And that’s terrifying.” Adora looks away bitterly, her last words a whisper.

 _No, you don’t, you never have._ The words bite at the deepening guilt in her heart and Catra takes in a sharp breath. Her arms are around Adora before she can think and the gasp that tears between them comes from two pairs of lungs. Gently nudging Adora to turn and sit on the bed, Catra guides her into a firm embrace. She cradles Adora into her shoulder and runs her fingers through the now fully escaped pony-tail. Adora clutches at her shirt, burying her face in Catra’s shoulder. Catra swings Adora’s legs over her own so they’re sitting perpendicular and cradles Adora in her arms, letting Adora feel small, safe, and protected for once. 

When Adora stops shaking and releases her shirt in favor of placing her hand over Catra’s heart, Catra hums pressing her nose into Adora’s hair, “I know what you mean.” Adora looks up from her spot on Catra’s shoulder, tilting her head a little in question. Catra gives a small smile and runs her thumb along Adora’s cheek, giving her something to lean against. 

“When I was in the Crimson Waste I thought I was going to be able to move on from everything. The Horde, Shadow Weaver, Hordak… you.” Adora’s face falls and she looks away into Catra’s palm. “As soon as I heard you were nearby it was right back to remembering how much I missed you. I took down two gangs within like, a day, with Scorpia. She asked me to stay, to be happy together.” 

Adora’s cheeks flair with jealousy and she does her best to hide, trying to listen without judgment. Catra laughs a little and Adora refuses to look at her to see if it’s at her expense. “I was successful, I was feared and loved and powerful. But, none of it really mattered. It was nice, it just always felt like something was missing.” Catra stiffens under Adora and she turns to look up at Catra’s grief and fear stricken face.

“I was so angry… “ Catra’s eyes darken and Adora rests her hand over Catra’s heart as Melog rumbles gently. Catra closes her eyes for a moment relaxing into the touch and letting the memory drop. She continues, her sentences coming slowly in short thoughts as she struggles to lay out the truth in a way that won’t tip the night against her. 

“I didn’t… want to need you, I wanted, needed, to prove I could be more without you, and I did. But at the end of every day I still missed you, part of me still needed you. Still wanted you to see what I was accomplishing and what I was capable of, even if it was only on the battlefield. If I couldn’t have your love, I could at least get your attention, get you to acknowledge me as an equal.” Her words trail off thoughtfully as Adora traces gentle patterns against her chest. 

“You are.” Catra’s ears swivel awkwardly, she’s already revealed more than she knows how to deal with tonight so she lets the statement hang in dead space. Adora seems to understand that Catra’s out of words for the moment and mercifully doesn’t press her for more. It’s nowhere near the confession Adora gave, but it’s all she has available in the exhaustion threatening to take over. 

A few moments pass, the two of them tracing small shapes and messages along each other’s skin, before Adora stills with a sigh. “So what do we do then?” 

Catra’s ears lower slightly and she hugs Adora a little bit harder. “We stay together. It’s- it’s different from when we were kids. There’s a lot they can do, and there’s a lot of really bad things that can happen, but as long as we have each other it’s always going to be easier than when we don’t, right?”

Adora nods and tucks into Catra’s shoulder again. “Right. That doesn’t make it less scary though. I don’t want to lose you because of some She-Ra incident.”

“Same.” Adora shoves her slightly and Catra chuckles, breaking down into a yawn at the end. “I dunno, but that sounds like a problem for future Catra and Adora.” 

Adora tsks against her, but seems to agree as her own yawn follows Catra’s. Slowly Adora sits up and moves off of Catra, stretching her limbs and giving a nice show in flexing her arms with a wink. Catra flushes as she crawls slowly backward on the bed, her usual desire to antagonize or flirt with Adora falling short of her desire to sleep and leave the night behind them. Melog shifts to the end of the bed falling asleep almost immediately as Adora and Catra rearrange the blankets. 

They crawl into the bed together, facing each other so that Catra can keep her back off the mattress, and Adora reaches out to place her hand on Catra’s arm in a sort of hug. The silence is comfortable. Even if Catra wishes they could be closer, it’s enough. 

Adora seems to disagree as she hums in dissatisfaction. Catra cracks opens her eyes, meeting her gaze through half-lids. Adora bites her lip for a moment before spitting the question out as Catra’s eyes start to close again. “Did you always know you liked me?”

“Yes.” The answer is so quick, so sure, Adora startles. Catra doesn’t flinch, doesn’t even open her eyes, doesn’t need to to know Adora wants more details. “I knew since we were eight and you insulted Octavia for me. I didn’t know what it meant until we were older,” Catra shrugs, “by then I thought you just didn’t feel the same.”

“I didn’t know that’s what it was. I always loved you, I just didn’t know you could love someone and want to kiss them and that was supposed to be different. I didn’t start figuring it out until I was around you and Bow and Glimmer and realized that love could feel different. I didn’t like, Get It get it until you actually kissed me.” Catra opens her eyes and blinks at Adora a few times, once looking away and then back, before shaking her head with a soft smile and leaning her forehead against Adora’s.

“You’re such an idiot.” She purrs slowly, intentionally.

“What’s new?” Adora’s hand slides tentatively up from her bicep, resting on her cheek, her thumb almost ghosting over Catra’s lips.

Catra hums, the sound bouncing off Adora making her acutely aware of how close their faces are now. “Hey, Adora?” Adora opens her eyes to meet Catra’s gaze in lieu of a response. She can feel her heart rate picking up for a good reason for the first time all night as she tucks a strand of hair behind Adora’s ear with a barely shaky hand. “Is it the end of the world?”

“What? No?” Adora’s eyebrows scrunch together, well, adorably and Catra bites back a smile.

“Is anyone dying?”

“No…?”

“Can I kiss you anyway?”

Adora barely manages a breathless “yes” before Catra’s lips are on hers and her heart is exploding. This kiss is different from the Heart. There’s no danger, there’s no desperation, there’s nothing but love and longing and a sense of coming home. Catra places her hand over Adora’s heart and they momentarily break apart as Adora gasps before diving back in with a renewed sense of purpose. 

Adora kisses Catra like she needs her the same way she needs air and water and a mission in life. Catra breaths her the yearning and feels it match her own. A sense of completion drums inside her heart knowing she’s finally wanted as much as she wants. Catra hums against Adora and finally breaks the kiss with a smile, looking up to eyes that are a more magical blue than usual, purring deeply. Adora pants softly, her own smile barely seeming to fit across her cheeks as she brings Catra’s forehead against her own again. 

“I love you.” They say it at the same time and Catra groans, “that was dumb,” but her smile doesn’t fall and neither does Adora’s. 

Adora sweeps her hand from Catra’s cheek to her shoulder, her hand glowing slightly. “I look out for you and you look out for me, right?” Catra nods, feeling the intensifying warm tingle of magic from Adora’s fingers. “That way we’ll always have each other, and that’s all we can really ask for, right?” Catra nods again and watches as Adora nods with her, releasing a slow breath before a glow overtakes her whole body. 

Adora’s hand slides behind Catra’s back and there’s no pain where she expects it to be, only a feeling of warmth. Catra shuts her eyes against the glow, the warmth passing through her body and relaxing her into Adora’s touch. When the glow stops and she opens her eyes a few moments later, Adora is back to normal in all but her eyes and Catra can feel no pain in her back. 

She gives a few test wiggles before springing onto her hands and knees. Catra reaches behind her and feels no trace of the wound, the blood, the bandages, it’s all magically healed. She flops gracelessly onto her back, stretching and delighting in the ability to move freely again. She cocks an eyebrow in question at Adora who blushes and gestures vaguely before speaking.

“She-Ra can heal, but you have to be able to think healing, steady thoughts and I was kind of really panicking earlier.” Adora looks at her sheepishly, blinking the last traces of the magic from her eyes. Adora yawns again, falling forward slightly as the magic leaves and she’s left with the completely exhausted body she usually inhabits. 

“Dork.” Catra pokes her forehead and slings her arm around Adora’s shoulder, tugging her so Adora falls against her chest, tucked under her chin.

“Wait, no, I should be the big spoon.” The request would sound a lot more serious if Adora wasn’t mumbling and already half asleep. Catra laughs softly and runs her hands along Adora’s back urging her to relax as Adora slings an arm across Catra’s waist, quickly giving up the protest.

“You can be whatever spoon you want, Adora. It won’t matter since I’m a knife.” Adora huffs against her chest and Catra can’t quite tell if it’s a laugh. She assumes it is when Adora nuzzles further in, her hand and ear over Catra’s steadily beating heart as they start to drift off. Catra holds her closer, her fingers moving slowly through Adora’s hair as the rumble of her purr leads them both closer to sleep. There’s one more whispered thought from Adora before they drop off.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

There are no nightmares for either of them that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I love the headcannon that Adora turns into She-Ra when they kiss, just a slightly different take on it. :)  
> Also, MVP Glimmer for helping these two figure out how to start communicating. And MVP Bow for helping her learn to do that.  
> I'm pretty surprised and excited by how far this has gone! I’ve had a lot of fun writing it, but I can’t make any promises on when I'll next be able to update. Life is really crazy right now. There's about one, maybe two more chapters left in this and from there I plan to do a series of one-shots based off this series as slice-of-life moments. The things they've been through aren't truly resolved in a few chapters and I would love to be able to get into some later in life meta when I get the chance.  
> If you've stayed this long thank you and I've been delighted to hear from all of you! Your comments are what I would come back to to look for inspiration and I really do appreciate the feedback I've gotten. I wish y'all the best and thank you for reading!


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